Alone.

2010-02-26T08:52:00.002+08:00

I realised how much this world can change.
Maybe the physical state. And also what we do to it.
Even 1 person can do so much to change something.
Even if its just a small hole in the road.
Everyone else will avoid that hole.
See how much it implicates on everyone?

1st you said Yes. Than you said No.
Than you asked me to do it.
Than the next thing you piss me off by asking me to just ignore it and leave
my problems to "professionals"
Ya okay good Great.
The next thing you ask me to do it again.
And than after you ask me to things your way.
So what the hell am i supposed to do then?

Fine maybe i opinion does not count.
But what the hell.
I do not wish to influence the lives of others.
Or get others into the same crappy problems that i get myself into.
I dont really need any other problems or "relationships"
That will get involve any mind changes.

Anyways. I realised that in order to love others?
You must love yourself 1st.
So how much do i love myself?

Why am i always putting myself in other peoples minds.
Why do i always think about all the people who dont even bother?
So whats important to me

Wish to find my answers

2010-02-12T16:27:00.001+08:00

Money can buy alot of thing .
SO What can Money buy ?

Money can buy a bed, but it cannot buy sleep
Money can buy books, but it cannot by brains
Money can buy food, but not appetite
Money can buy finery, but not beauty
Money can buy a house, but not a home
Money can buy medicine, but not health
Money can buy luxuries, but not culture
Money can buy amusement, but not happiness
Money can buy companions, but not friends
Money can buy flattery, but not respect
Last of all....
Money can buy something, but not everything!

&&&

Money can't buy happiness,
Money can't buy true love,
Money can't buy true friends,
Money can't buy SELF RESPECT,
Money can't buy Hope,
Money can't buy Faith.

Money can never make me change the way i am (:

Chinese new year.
Money..
Aii ya just wasting my time and life away ><
Okay back to the main lines.
And here i come.
Never gonna let anyone down (:
Jacelyn is sick again xD
Saddd :( Take care and GWS.

2010-02-11T15:43:00.002+08:00

Crap Its always like this. Always has been like that.
I can say. I can see. But i can never bring myself to do what i know.
Okay i give up.
Maybe. Hopefully. This time for good.
I only can be happy for her cant I?
She's loved.
I'm not necessary. She has everything she needs.
Its the thought that counts. But is my thought necessary?

Nahs it does not matter though.
I know where i stand.
I cant put false hope thinking that love will prevail or something.
I've limits. Somehow. I've reached it already.
I'm sad. Yet happy. I'm learning to let go.
I do like her. I wont deny that. But then..
I cant. I'm not good enough. I cant bring myself to get her.
She's much more capable then i am.
No this is not self pity or denial.
Honestly . If i were to be the one that was in her life.
Would it really be the right thing? Or the best thing for her.
Definitely not. I dont know how to put it across.

Anyways. Army? I'm currently down pes-ed.
Pes C9 L2 Wth. And i dint even know.
I'm not afraid to lose my life.
I'm not afriad to do stupid things.
I'm not afraid because i feel that eventually all my goals are nearing the end.
With none in sight. And my track is ending. Turning around to find another forest.
its like a trap.
I wanna do many things. "great" things. But within my capability its not possible.
I'm not living the life of someone . I'm not the same as you.
I'll never let anyone take advantage. I'll help those who are in need.
But most of all. I'll never fail to remember that you're a great person.
1 in the million that i would love to have. But best to let you find better.
Striving for perfection is not what i do.
Looking at scenarios and analyzing whats best.
I'm not the best.
I just wanna be of proper good use and be "normal"

Sighs. 11 months through army. And i've come to realize.
That what i really want. Is not within my reach.
Its time to start from the basics again.
And maybe. That day will come.
I'll not stop trying. I'll not say its contradictory.
But I'll not fail to give chance after chance. If there's hope.

I'm the great expectations of others.
And i wont let them down.

2010-01-13T11:30:00.002+08:00

Today i'll be heading off to brunei.
Its going to be 1 year in my NS- life already.
I'm not prepared.
Feeling unwell.
But i'll go through this as normal
As any other time and day.
I'll survive.

Was going through my corrupted email.
Was deleting my "junk mail"
Then when i reached my sent box.
My heart stop.
Literally almost every email. Was to one person.
My email till now.
Only sent emails to a few people.
Majority of it was to her only.
I now dont know what i'm doing.
I'm supposed to be ridden of the past already.
Guess sometimes you're just stuck when you see the happy times you spent.
Those funny emails we share.
The laughter. The times you hit me and said i always bully you
Hahahas. Omg those were the fun days.
But we're growing up.
I know somewhere. I know myself that ..
I havent been a good "boy" person.
But i dont care . I've already set goals.
Its finally time to start on them (:
You were a great friend . A great person.
I dont not wish to judge others.
Neither myself.
I cant be the best.
But i always feel like the worse.
What are friends for (:
I made promises.
And i'll keep them.

I still remember (:

|| Till then . 18 days of hell in Brunei.
Here i come.

2009-12-26T01:22:00.001+08:00

WHEEE i havent done anything for a long time
I registered for my bike lessons but haven gone.
Haven even registered for my lessons LOLOLOL.
N/e ways. I complete my CSB.
And its 26 december.
OMG a year going to be over.
I spent x'mas home alone.
No big deal though.
Alot of strange feelings running through me
Heart pain.
What is it now.

Sighs. I dont know.
I just wished i was not alone
But at the same time i wonder.
Where is the person i wanna be with.
Why cant she just give me another look.
And when will i have a chance.

I dont know its just that i'm growing up.
Old liao.
I miss you.

... And 1 more thing .
my ex somehow seems to have things going on.
Good for her. :]
But at the same time
SHIT THIS.

2009-11-17T16:31:00.002+08:00

OMGGS i'm likeee. Errr.
8 months. 8/24 = 1/3 way
HOLYYY SHITT
1/3 way through already !! ^^
crap the worse has yet to come.
Part of it is over though
JY!

Back to reality.
I'm screwing up my life BIGG TIME.
i feel like i wanna do things
But i'm feeling
SOO FKING LAZYY!!
okay anyways.
I msged my ex.
Well of coz she does not know
Than again. i also registered for bike license
Of coz again i dont know if i've already said that
Than i'm breaking down due to excessive training.
body pain ah.
Sian still got 2/3 more way to go?
Sure annot...

Charmaine charmaine.
Are you feeling okay annot =/
I'm not positive about you.
Dont be false about ur emotions.
Dont put things in the wrong direction.
Oh wells. I guess i'm just living in a world where i dont know anything
Sighs. I love my real friends :D

I dont wanna talk to alot of people now.
Oh i got promoted too.
Should that mean i must uphold responsibility?
Or be better?
Dam i dont want to do this.
Sighs.
Decisions.
Mind over body Mind over body.
But can the mind cope with it?

Mentally unstable.
Physically weak.
Dam whats a better way to say.
I SUCK.
Oh wells i guess i'm just not good enough
Sian :(
Whats the point of putting in so much effort.
When nothing is going to happen except the biggest downfall
Of myself.

2009-10-18T15:18:00.002+08:00

Today i went to bukit gombak.
I've decided to take a step forward.
Yes i know i cant change myself.
And i know i wont change myself either.
Maybe not now. Unless its necessary or for the better.

I'm splurging money again LOL.
But then again.
I really wanted to go and find her.
I'll write a note.

Wells i think thats more sincere dont you think?
Hahas.
I've made alot of mistakes.
I'm not afraid to admit or deny.
Faced against the odds i'd still take it.

I'm sorry for the past.
But thats all i can be.
We're all different.
My perspective is different.
Our meaning of the same word is different.

Does not matter le .
All i know is i'm taking my life into my hands.
And i'm not gonna be steered by peoples words.
No point .
They just come and go.

2009-10-18T09:27:00.003+08:00

Its been ages.
But i'm trying
Hahas i guess i'm just the kinda person that rather see
Than to believe.
"It takes 2 to lie, 1 to listen and the other that lies"
Factual. But than again..
Ahs i'm hungry.
And i'm ambitious.
Crap guess i dont really care much anymore

Ahhs. I dont wanna fantasize nor anything or what so ever.
I dont even know what i'm doing.
Guess that means less open to human opinions.
And more ideas for myself.
Starting to think again.

I know i'm not wrong.
But i know that even if its not wrong.
Does not mean i'm right.
Eventually we'd all submit to the higher ups
Guess we'd have to just take time and a step at a time

2009-08-27T19:49:00.002+08:00

Okay we'd get the best platoon.
Sian i reported sick once den in the end cannot go for nights out.
Why must i do the "best thing"
But yet get this kinda treatment.
Anyways they let me out for awhile though.
^^ Guess i've built quite alot of trust among my commanders.

Yesterday went for chalet at NSRCC.
WTF 1 night 300++?
Does not matter. ^^ Its a great place.
Though its not really good enough to accommodate so many people?
At least to me.
God dammit. They're so fucking filthy and messy.
Dam sick -.-
Irresponsible fucks.
At least some people know how to clean.
Least i know that i'm the only one feeling awkward.

Pondering about alot of things b4 i go back to camp.

24/08/2009-
On the way back to camp "thoughts/mind waves"
-If all i can do is watch. I'd admire you from the sideline
And give you what i can.
What more can i give you when you seem like you've everything you need?
When people have a choice.
Naturally they'd pick the best.
To be the best you've to have to best?
Unfortunately i cant stand at the top with you.
I don't deserve it either.
Still i'd want to see you.
Admiring what i love.

A passion, A dream.

23/08/09
-Somehow i'm remembering.
Not really what i want
Why is it always about the past that people now adays emphasising on now.
And not how we should gradually move on towards the future?
Moving slowly is better than not moving at all
The question is how do we know if we're really moving
When every time we feel different.
Everything can just change instantly
Being stuck physically does not goes the same for everything
Mentally challenged and tested against time, surroundings and similarities.
How does a trapped person remain positive?
How does one take its worse and say its okay.
Getting discriminated and to forsake happiness.
Just because there was no choice.
Overwhelming questions.
Scarce answers

Its like being on a roller coaster.
You just keep going up and down.
Along the same way.
The same up's and downs everyday.
And end up at the same end everyday.

Got to go liao.
Somehow what we do.
What we think.
What we decide to do.
Really changes us.
I should really start being firm.
And "overpowering"
I need to be decisive.
And take the responsibilities into my hands.
Not taking what people not want.
And just laugh it off.

-I'm feeling.

next phase OVER

2009-08-23T00:07:00.002+08:00

YESS.
Platoon prof test is OVERR.
YES!! and alot of other things are yet to come.
YES! We're gonna be the best again? I think i hope.
Actually it does not matter.
Somehow i don't know whats wrong with my mind set.
Here i want.
There i don't want.
Then i have.
But I'm not satisfied.
We're humans. We've feelings.
I want. I need. I desire.
I do my best. I try my best. I work my hardest.
I play my part. For what?
I don't know I'm jealous.
But i know . Somehow, Someway, Sometimes.
Probably never will i be a perfect person.
There's nothing perfect.
Only BEST. There's nothing perfect.
maybe to you yes.
But coming to a debate.
Whats necessary in life are always imperfect.
But its how we see it that makes it perfect.

You'd be the perfect person in my life.
But you'll never be the one.
I don't know why.
I want to have a chance in life.
But I'm only known as a failure.
Somehow losing is just part of my life.
I cant win.
I cant be at the top.
Who wants to be with a loser.
A dumb person. A person who can only be there.
Physically. Soundly. But not being there in any other state that can ensure.
Security.
I'm weak. Powerless. Brain dead?

I'm poor. Alone. Empty.

I'm everything negative.

What positive and good points do i have?
I really don't see anything rewarding.
I'm just a support character.
A stepping stone.
A person who does his "best".
Only to fail and get throw away after satisfaction.
Somehow. Who really does enjoy being with me?
Probably nobody.
I'm not being negative.
I'm stating the facts.
I don't know is it me?
My attitude? My mentality? Or my background.
that keeps everything so unstable.

None the less.
I wont make a stupid decision.
I wont hurt anyone.
I wont let people who "respect" me down.
I will never forget.
I will never regret.
The things that I'll do.
Decisions are the things you need to make and do.
Make a good one.
And live it to the fullest.
Time is being wasted.

18 years on this earth.
18 years of food water and resources.
And nothing has been contributed back.
How many more years till i finally become useful?
Helpful. A part of society?
Is this fate or destiny?
Or is this my own stupidity and loneliness?
I just want to find someone there.

2009-08-10T00:07:00.003+08:00

Okay i'm officially running low on cash.
Stupid army! Pays like 20 cents per hour.
Knn -.- Subscribe for so much stupid shit.
LOL never minds ^^
Anyways. Alot has happened?
I think. Best section for battalion
I've passed my SOC- Standard obstacle course.
Spending alot of money on un necessary shit
Playing maximum tune. (quited today anyways) -.-

Arghs just a waste of time and shit loads of money.
Should save
MUST SAVE.
Sighs.
I'm going crazy. Too much to handle.
Somehow i dont know what i'm doing.
I dont wanna do this.
But i know i have to do it.
Platoon proficiency test coming up this weekend.
Got to prepare.
I'm not ready for this.
But i'll do my part.
Not for myself.
But for my section commander.
And my section mates.
I dont care what people say anymore.
Neither do i care. Thats why i have my new headphones to lock out all
"unnecessary shit noises" and "unwanted pollutions" from my head.
Ahh what else? I dont know la.
What am i searching for?
What am i trying to do.
What do i want to do?
Sighs. Suddenly answers are necessary.

2009-06-27T00:51:00.003+08:00

Hey hey hey! Its been awhile.
A looonng while. Not that it matters.
Or that i really care or anyone does cas no one readsss.
So than again. Whats the point.
My EX messaged me saying that she dint hear from me for a "LONG" time.
Ya right. Hear from me for a LONG time when she herself deleted my number.
Crap why do i even bother.
But what bother's me is that i still think about her.
Why cant i just get over her -.-
So pathetic right?
I know these are just PATHETIC stupid WORDS.
But what can i say?
Whatever i say always has no meaning. People take it for "granted"
Why do i even bother caring ? Right?

So dont care dont bother. I cant throw somethings away.
Jeremy will handle the rest.
Sheesh. I'm about to lose control of my mind and body.
Am i really going to do something stupid?
And ruin my whole life?
This emptyness is driving me nuts.
I'm physically surrounded.
But I'm quiet. Silenced by the surrounding chatters.

Hahas. Anyways I've a few accomplishments. I've gotten my IPPT gold ^^
Tomorrow i've "camp" again for a week.
Gonna be hell. But life goes on.
I need a break.
I need you. But i cant have you.
Its better. Deleting everything everyone .
One by one. And i know its worth it.
No one is there.
And existed.
Probably it'll be my existance at the end.
That fades away into the abyss.
I'm mentally going nuts.

So many other oppurtunities.
Yet all just fades away within 1 week.
Its not about girls. Its about me.
I'm weak, stupid, dumb.
I've nothing.
So many terms. So many things.
But reality is like this
Only can wait..

2009-05-23T21:57:00.002+08:00

I know i haven't blogged in ages.
I know i've not done anything big or achievable.
Than again i've made a "new" friend.
I know who i can rely on.
I know how much i can do and push myself.

Questions still revoles around me.
But than these are the answers i do not want to solve.
I can say that i've officially given up.
Because there's no point.
We're not meant for each other.
I dont want to make another mistake.
Another flaw.
I dont want to believe in something that only I can feel.
I dont want to be someone that only I can be.
I want to just follow the wind.
There's no point pushing so hard. Fighting for what you want.
Getting hurt. Hurting those around you. Why rush for the end?
When what thats most "valuable" necessary. Is the journey.
This journey. Which could lead you to many problems.

Might influence your life. And change it forever.
But than. You could still take control...
Charmaine. Thanks for everything. I'm not saying we cant be friends.
But sometimes i wonder to myself.
What am i looking for?
I'm not looking for friends.
I'm only looking for 1 person.
Just that only 1 person...
If you're not that person i cant.
Because i'm possessive.
I cant give up what i have and i cant handle more than what my mind comprehends.
I cant take the risk and chances.
I dont want to misinterpret and think so much.
Everyone around me are just. People who are around me.
Those who wants to stay stay.
Those who want to go go.
Those who trust you. Know you. And want to be friends with you for a "long term"
Will remain. By you. With you. Though not physically.
Distracted by our surroundings.
Does not give us the "right" to be distracted from ourselves.
Its okay to forget.But its not okay to not remember.
Its contradicting.
Life is contradicting.Esp when you're looking for answers.
I found answers. Which only leads to more problems.
Its a flawed equation. Probably.
Because we're all "flawed" we're all not the same.
Thats what make the questions and the answers so difficult to understand.
But we always do our best.
In our own way.
Sometimes the best thing to do is to let go.
Forget.
It hurts. It drags us down.
And it can stay forever.
But its not what that has happened.
Not even the past second matters already.
Because we're ourselves.
And nothing else matters if you're on your own.
Because. Everything you do is for yourself.
Glory. Wins Loses. Its all yours to keep.
Qualification. Brains. Reactions. Decisions. All make you who you are.
People come to you. Because they know that you're reliable.
If they dont come.
Do something .. You cant change them.
But you can only change yourself.

2009-03-29T17:17:00.002+08:00

I know i have not posted for agess!
But i'm currently serving NS.
And we're not supposed to bitch about it online anyways.
So than again who cares i wont say anything about it but i've been in there
For the past 2 weeks and i'm out
ALIVE.
Went shopping etc hahas. Got alot of crap.
I've alot of "new things" like my laptop and alot of crappy things.
Hahas so many things.
But i'm still having alot of problems.
Sighs. I kinda still feel bored.
I'm controlled by emotions and by the people who are taking me to another level
Of tolerance
Malays...
Childish and playful.
Knn seriously.
Sighs oh wells what to do.

I've to take the next step then.

I'm grateful to a few people.
Espicially to Char who's giving me alot of "support".
Hahas. though its not really support but yet she's there for me still
I'm so happy. Its not awkward.
Its still hanging.

Happy birthday to my ex yesterday.
Now that i finally know
That i've to move on.
And i can move on.
No matter what from now.
I'll move.
I'll train harder.
For a reason.
For myself.
Whatever that might come upon me.
I'll fight it to the fullest.

2009-03-09T18:24:00.002+08:00

Personally i dont know why i havent blogged for so long.
But than again.
Does it really matter?
Whats the point of looking back.
Jolting down what has happened today.
Stoning. Repeating the cycle of stupidity each day.
I'm depressed somewhere.
Inside i already knew the answer.
Somehow somewhere i knew i could hide the answer.
I wish i could just take everything away.
But i know. Life is no something that whatever you want you'll get.
When ever you look at someone . Something . A memory .
It just seems to remind you of who you are. What you can do.
What you cant do.
What that has happened.
But so what?
Memories. Painful, Sad, Happy, Memorable.
But what more its all in the past.

Wells.
Get to the point.
Why would i blog without a reason.
Yes i know. We know. We always have havent we.
But knowing about it.
Knowing the answer. The possibility.
Naw what more can i have.
I like you. But we're so far.
I want you. But we're not possible.
I want to take care of you. But i'm not capable enough
How should i express myself?
What should i do.
No matter what i'm not good enough.
I've fears.Emotions that i cant get over.
Needs, Desires. Necessities and wants.
Charmaine and i knew.
She knew also. But yes we'll just let this pass.
maybe i'd let it pass. She'd forget.
But whats the point.
this is the way love works right?
The way its supposed to be.
If it was I. If i really loved someone.
I'd do the same.
But if something were to happen.
What'd i do?
Despite everything. Despite anything else.
I can't help myself for being helplessly in love with you.
Forgive me.
I wont harass you. I wont do anything.
Because i believe thats the kind of love i'd have to overcome.
To move on.

2009-02-16T21:23:00.001+08:00

If you like her.
Tell her.
If she accepts you.
You're lucky
If she rejects you.
Move on.
Thats reality.

Probably something i'd nvr wanna face.

Today injured myself 3 times.
All on my right hand. -.-
Wtf how to hold knife like dat.

2009-02-15T20:15:00.002+08:00

No one is ever the same.
But there could be some that are similar.
Rules, Regulations, Laws.
Enforcers, Judge, Prosecutors.
We're only human.
We're the same.
What makes you think you're really so much better.
We're borned.
We grow.
Hopefully we become "GOOD" people.

less crap anyways.
Alone x]
Busy.
Troubled.
Sleepy.
Work sorta sucks.
But i'm reaching my "goal" ^^

Watched a few animes.
Would you watch that person smile?
Or would you be that persons smile?

Would you proclaim your love?
Or let your love be hidden?
I like you. You want something.
You have what you need.
You dont need more than that.
Its what your life is about.
But is that all?
Its stupid.
There are others.
But why. Is this one special one.
Sighs. I'm chasing dreams i cant catch.
I'm loving someone i cant be close to.
I'm longing for something i cant have.

Oh wells hahas.
Just updating for no reason.
The "broken parts" of me are trying to be fixed back together.
But. the broken parts are hurting the "healing" process.
And causing other areas to be injured that are healing it.
Whats more worth?

2009-02-09T21:24:00.002+08:00

The need for someone.
The want for companion.
I think everyone longs for a loved one.
Someone who they dream of and love.
I cant accept reality.
Neither can i hide from it.
So i just have to go along with the flow.
For now? What can i really do?
Nothing at all -.-
Sighs its so harsh.
Life is so harsh.
Most people wont understand to politics and stuff happening around.
But when they really open their eyes.
Experience.
Maybe they'd know what i'm saying.
I'm not saying i'm very experienced and stuff.
But i just wish people would understand me.
Am i that hard to comprehend?
Or am i just so far away..

But its a responsibility i've to take
A task i have to face.
As an adult.
Its the reality i've to face.

I'll probably go for some matchmaking when i've time
x]
I want to believe there are others.
Just like me.

2009-02-07T22:24:00.002+08:00

Sometimes..
You wanna believe.
But than again..
When they hit you with the truth.
And tell you that the promises that they made
Were already broken.

Words are only words.
Anyone can say them.
Yes thats right. You were the one that told me.
You were the one.. That made me believe..
But now.. You've shattered me.
And violated yourself.
Tell me how should i react
Ya
Love is blind.
What about this "virginity" thing.
Its not impt anymore right?
I'm feeling so lost right now.
You're my pillar of moral and psychological support.
My ideal . My dream . I could probably say my everything .
But I was probably right. When i knew i could not hang.
I could not hold you
Grasp you. Or even get near you.
Its like standing here on this earth
Reaching for the stars.
But you'll never be able to catch them.
Lets not even say reach them.
Promises?
Naw i wont let myself listen to anymore lies.
I wont allow myself to care anymore.
Than again.. I wanna look towards god and ask him
This is fate right?
Time and again i'm questioning myself.
Whats my fate?
So many times..
I wanted to do things.
I want to believe and divert the attention.
Because i just wanted to know you better.
But you shunted me in a corner with your lies.
And made me believe in it.
This. Make believe person?
Or this person who made us.
I dont know how to express this.

Anyways to just cut the story short.
CHARMAINE.
I'm actually referring to YOU.
You gave me all the "help"
You were my ideal role model and stuff.
But now.. I guess you're right.
Love is blind.
Love hurts.
And it'll take time to heal.
And now
Its not just to heal..
Its to forget .
And totally let go of everything.

Char char.. "charmander"
Blame me for my stupidity.
Blame me for trying to love you.
Blame me for being your friend.
Make me remove you from my mind.
Love turns to hate.
I think.
Its time for me to just tell you.
But i dont dare.
But i wanna remove you from my mind.
So i'll do it..
On valentines day.
What kinda a friend am i?
Lying to you all the time.

Detest me .
Guess i was just loving an image.
Just loving a dream.

2009-02-03T00:35:00.003+08:00

I'm glad somethings are changing.
I'm glad the some people are maturing.
I'm having alot of thoughts running through my head.
But so what?

Anyways.. I dont know which direction i should take.
Bought a book on love today.
Hahas almost finish it.
No time to read. But managed to read some of it.
Love has rules?
Naw its just that how we make our lives better by playing a role.
All we need is responsibility.
And abit of love to make us who we are.
A happy life.
A complete one.
Live it smiling.

2009-02-01T23:18:00.002+08:00

Recently having alot of dreams.
Dreams about my life.
My future life.
Dreams about my past.
Dreams about everything.
About Army dreams are also popping out about preparing and stuff.
Being responsible.
Being a person i'm supposed to be.

Love seems so 2nd hand already.
I somehow am so shattered over my dreams.
So many thoughts run through my head
Over so many things that have happened.
Maybe its a sign.
I cant remember actually
But it does not really matter..
I wish i could maintain my feelings like this.
So i wont hurt anyone.
And no one can hurt me

I dont know what i want.
But my dreams are starting to show me the way.
To prepare me.
To guide me along
Char. I like you. I might even say i love you.
But than again..
I guess i'm not that strong to tell you how i feel.
Hahas.. I'm just a person who did rather live a life.
With the regrets.
Than letting you know.
I think..

But than again.
My dreams will show me the way i feel.
I wont accept love randomly.
I wont accept the fact that i cant do it.
I'm sure i can.
I'll live up to my horoscope..
And be strong.

Once again i'm contradicting myself ^^

2009-01-30T04:21:00.005+08:00

The battle to give it all up?
Or the battle to fight for what you want?

Watched mobile suit gundam OO.
Yea yea some might say i no life or childish.
Watching anime so late into the night and stuff.
But sometimes when you really look into war
Even as they said.
Children can teach you things.
Children can remind you of things you've forgotten.
These are part of life that we learn.
Everything that we see and do.
We experience and learn.

Charmaine. Why do i miss you so much.
My friends are asking me about what i'm doing.
I dont know what i'm doing.
I wanna tell you.
That message its in my hands.
I've sent a message like that before.
But it ended up stuck in my outbox.
Why. Is this fate telling me i cant tell you?
Is it cant tell you YET?
Or cant tell you at all?
Char .. Just thinkin of how cute you are.
How carin you are.
I know its hard.
Life is hard.
Life for me? I made it hard.
Yes i've alot of regrets.
But what can i do now?
I only can sit by and wait.
Time is passing.
And i can only watch.
I wanna do more.
But i dont wanna let you go.
I wonder how you think.
And what you feel..

Okay i could not tell her.
I tried again.
But i've failed.

Maybe i should just find someone else.
Actually i'm trying to like someone.
Someone i can use to dispose my thoughts on.
But the thoughts.
And the feelings never match up.
And in the end i just have to bear the pain.
The heartache -.- Which i myself created.
Which i myself will endure.

But i'll be waiting.
No matter whatever happens to you.
I would really wanna love you.
Love is a painful thing.
Without it you long for it.
With it you detest it but some adore it with no regrets.
Sad and tragic.
But will be remembered.
Loving too much can lead to obsession

I'll probably have to give up for now.
And wait till i take on my studies again.
Where i'll find someone else right?
If not till than i'll be trying for you.

2009-01-27T14:48:00.002+08:00

The feeling that i just wanna hug someone so close is so "strong"
Hiaz i dont wanna have anyone with me.
I dont wish to fall in love either.
But than again. Why does my feelings urge for these kinda things.
What i am. Who i am. What i wanna do and why.
Why do i even want to do this.
Why do i even bother.
They say the person you are.
Is how you're brought up.
I wish i could be more cold hearted.
A person who does not care.

I'm not a cold hearted person 2 a certain extend.
But i wish i could be a "real" loner.
So i dont have any "cravings"
Nor any desires for being with people.
But "its said" humans are not meant to be alone.
It hurts so much everywhere.
Physcial pain
can never compare to the intensive pain.
Of the feelings.
Emotions.
It'll not go away.
And just linger within urself.
If you have a variety of choices.
Of course you'd choose.
But if you dont..
Than you'll have to live with what you have.
Even if its nothing.

What kinda person am i?
I myself dont know.
I just wanna believe that i'll not hurt anyone.
And i will protect those i want to.

2009-01-25T00:56:00.003+08:00

How should i express myself.
Whats the "right" thing to do?
Sighs -.- met charmaine today.
Actually deep inside i just wanted to stay by herside.
But i know i cant do that.
I cannot do this to her.

Anyways. She's so cute xD
She's 1 head shorter den me though
But thats not a problem
Wanted to take a picture with her.
But i could'nt ask..
Anyways. I also dont know what i want.
Char? I'll wait.
I'll wait for the day to come.
Where i'll stand a chance to win your heart.
As a responsible guy.
A responsible adult.
And a loving Boyfriend.

2009-01-24T02:27:00.002+08:00

So many things happened within the past few days.
Don't wanna say much either.
But i'm slowly forgetting.
I'm slowly "moving on"
Someone "proposed" to me.
I rejected.
Somehow i'm feeling super depressed but actually not really.
I just don't know what i want in life.
And i'm not interested in LOVE anymore in a way.
I want it, But i'm finding the right kinda love.
Yes i admit i still love Charmaine.
But i'm getting over her.

Work is getting better :D
Life is getting lamer.
Its going to be Chinese new year le.
And i dont know anything.
I had a chance to meet Charmaine.
But than again i dint take it.
I dont wanna see her.
She's in love and i dont wanna think about her anymore.
Its for her good.
Its for my good in a way.
Wells. Fate has taken a turn.
My life is complicated.
They said so in "fortune telling"
And whatsoever nots
But i cant be bothered.
I'm going to smoothen the edges.
Flatted the rocks.
And make the worse fun.
At least try.

I'm just human.
I wish i had "abilities" to do more.
But the fact is that i cant.

A ladder to climb.
A goal to achieve.
A feeling to conquer.
A empty heart to fill.
A mind to process.
A thought that'll benefit.
A dream to fulfill.
A life to live..

2009-01-19T02:14:00.003+08:00

I've no life.
I've no reason to lie.
Why do i keep doing these emotional mind set games with myself and others.
Why do i keep thinking about things which are not true.
And make myself believe in the things which are not.
So many stupid questions.
Was thinking of charmaine today.
Suddenly she msged me want to return me my bag.
Was kinda stumped.
But anyways i dont know.
I dont feel like doing anything.
Wells we'd probably meet up for lunch or something.
But whats the point.
Today i also asked Hilda this question.
If you love someone and that person is already engaged.
And that person is probably happy with the one she's with.
What would you do?

I'd just give up and find my own happiness.
Where do i find that happiness?
I wish i could ya know.
I'm not good looking or smart or anything
Who would want a stupid guy like myself.
I mean i want to be able to look after the one i love and stuff.
Hiaz. I made so many personal promises.
But than again i cant keep so many again.
So many things i've to do
But yet i cant
I'm getting old. I'm losing control.
I'm not going to be able to absorb and turn back the time.
Even if i really want to.
How do i put the pieces together.
Love eh? What is love?
I want it but yet i cant have it.
I might get it but yet i turn it down.
What is love? Its a feeling right?
So many things running through my head.
All the mixed up feelings.
How can i get myself and things straight?
Charmaine. What is it that i should do?
Tell me. I really want to know.
I just want to give it all up.

You know . God i think you're showing me an answer to my questions.
You're showing me the opening.
I want to see her
You're giving me that chance.
How am i going to take that chance and settle this problem?
Its all up to me aint it?
Its all already in ur hands. Isin't it?
My own as well.
I wont be in for a positive answer.
But i just want to know how far i can go
What is the limits of my self.
How far and long can i wait.
How much i can hold on to this love i think it is.

I just wanna be there.
No matter what it is.
There with you.
Making you smile and be happy.
But if i cant forfill that.
I'll just have to sink to the bottom and blind myself within the darkness.
And just forget..
And just forget about everything
There's an answer.
But which is the best option and answer to choose?
Tell me why am i stuck.
Its all my own fault and problem aint it.

I just wish the mistakes people make.
The person you love.
Will not be falling into a physical love.
And a love thats within the heart instead.
I just wish you to love w/o regrets.
Live life without regrets.
Thats what life is.
Its about living it to the fullest.
Without regrest.

2009-01-15T21:27:00.003+08:00

Today i though to myself.
Its not about love. Its not about responsibilities.
Its about the real world and life.

I love you so much can you bear to let go?
We love each other so much but than we're not able.
I'm not able to support you.
I'm not able to fulfill my role as a husband.
I'm not able to be a loving husband due to overwhelming work
Financial problems.
I try, I want to be better i want to make life better.
I want you to be happy.
But i cant always be by your side.
I know. Love is not materialistic.
But Now. Without money.
What can you do?
Charmaine i just wish that i was not so dumb.
I wish that i'd taken the opportunity to study.
I wish that i'd have the chance to just let you know that deep inside i really miss you.
Think about you whenever i'm alone.
Just wonder if you're doing fine.
Hoping you'll keep your promises and just smile.
I know you've ur bad sides too.

But than again.
I'm such a lousy guy.
I try so hard.
But yet no matter how much i try.
It always does not seem to be good enough
I'm on the verge of giving up in everything.
I always have been.
Sometimes you can sit on a ledge
And just feel like pushing yourself out.
Dying?Or just landing on your feet.
I dont wish to go through heartbreaks and pains.
I know that we might be able to be something.
A relationship that can last.
Might last.
But no matter how i see things. I'm not good enough to help you.
To be there for you, with you.
To see you grow up and study.
To pick you up when you fall and hold you when you're feeling down.
I really want to be that person in your eyes.
But In life i know. I cant. Maybe i can?
But Char. I wish i knew how to tell you.
I wish i knew how you feel.
i wish i know alot of things.
I just want you to know
There's a stupid guy out there
Dying to love you.
But he knows.
He should not.

End of the day?
I've just wasted another day away.

2009-01-14T23:45:00.001+08:00

Boring day.
Boring life.
Mixed up emotions.
Dragging myself to work.
Work has nothing.
I'm nothing.
I'm just missing you so much.

2009-01-13T23:46:00.003+08:00

I'm having memory problems
So many things i've though about
So many things i wanna say
But i've forgotten them all
Talked to charmaine online today xD
So thrilled and happy.
But than again hahas...
She "remembers" me
But we're not close at all actually.

I wish we were.
Somehow i dont know -.-
Am i taking things too seriously?
Am i thinking too far?
Whats love?
Whats a relationship?
What do we do in a relationship?
What should i do?
Read this manga...
No matter who came onto him
He rejected because he loves this girl so much.
But in my scenario?
I'm ugly. -.- Nobody likes me
She's so distant and attached.
What can happen ya?

Miracles?
To believe and not to believe.
What should 1 do in his desperate times.
Sighs -.- I wish i could be the one holding her.
Telling her and just protecting her.
Making sure she's growing up happily
Seeing her smile.
Ensuring she eats and maintain healthy physically
And "mentally"
Ensure she wont have any regrets.
What should i do?
How can i do this?
I'm here now.
Sitting down and wasting my life away.
Sighs -.-

2009-01-12T23:56:00.002+08:00

Today the O level-ers went to collect their results.
I'm very happy for her.
She apparently did quite well!
But what more can i do than be happy for her?
Its her life..
Hopefully she lives it well.
Thats all i can hope for her right?

Love is genuine.
Sighs =/
Anyways..
I just hope my heart will stop aching.
Even if i think or dont think about her.
Why must it be her.
And she just keeps telling me to be "friends" in a way.
Zzzz. I know i'm hopeless and useless.
But.
Is it really going to be this way?
Sighs. What am i looking for
What is it i need and want?
What is it that is necessary.

Today i went to watch bedtime stories.
It was quite funny to a certain extend
But than again.
It kinda sucked =/
Hahas. Funny. And retarded

I'm just feeling dam moody.
To be happy yet devastated at the same time
Hopefully i can keep up with this emotional stress.

2009-01-11T23:56:00.002+08:00

I wish i knew what to do.
I wish i knew what i want.
I wish i had something to take my mind off everything.
I came across this wonderful book about love at kino.
But its gonna cost me 35 dollars.
I decided to pass on it.
=/ Maybe i'll consider o.0 It seems very good.
Sighs. -.-

Why cant i stop thinking about you sia .
Everytime i wanna let go.
I just feel that i cant.
I just want to have you there with me and stuff ya know?
Its just so hard when you've no one else.
Wishing i had a chance.

Whatever -.-
If i really had a chance with someone else
I think i might just take it.
But Not with jowent.
-.-
I'm sorry but you seriously dont appeal to me at all.
Though you're the "matching" one in a certain sense.
But I think i've higher "requirements"
Sighs -.- What the hell am i doing to begin with .
This freaking sucks.

And i'm working at NY again -.-
So many changes.
So annoying -.-

2009-01-10T23:07:00.002+08:00

Went shopping today for work tomorrow.
Sian sia -.- Spend quite abit of money.
But oh wells~ its k~ better to have than not to have.
Anyways -.- I'm down with a sickening flu.
Always happens when i intake too much sweet stuff.
Basically sugar.

Jowent went with me.
So boring -.-
Buy stuff from LP zone and a pair of shoes from converse.
Dont wish to remind myself of the amount i spent.

Than she dint wanna go home.
Den we wasted 2 hours at the arcade.
Loitering and playing some of the lame games around there.

Arghs my hearing -.-
My ears are not feeling too good. -.-
Thats not good.
I need more rest.

2009-01-08T22:08:00.003+08:00

Today Sylvie is going back to Switzerland
Wells i think i'm abit upset and just i dont wanna let go.
But wells i'll confess the truth la ya?

We were almost together b4
We held hands, She took my 1st kiss.
Wells maybe i just gave in to that moment but i could not rid myself of that "addiction"
Anyways. We dint get together because she had a boyfriend already.
I know i'm stupid and a %$^&*-er to get into their relationship.
But than again. I know that as well.
Thats why i gave her up and told her this shall be the end.
When i met her again.
I could not remove the feeling of just that we're friends.
I cant just look at her and tell her we were more than that.

The past.. Was horrible.
The present situation is scary.
The future. Is mysterious.
Memories to be remembered
Mistakes to be corrected.
Things to be learnt.
Experience to be shared.
Time to embrace.
And love to make all things perfect.

I've to do something about this because.
Its me that cant do anything about it.
I'm weak emotionally.
I've to make some sacrifices to make things work out.
Move on.
Just to make it through.
Looking at my ex blog. So many things..
Her current "heading"
Reflections of you and me.
Reflections eh?
Memories or what?

The battle of the mind , soul , desire, needs, wants...
I want you . But i know i cant.
So i've to remove you.
Thats what my ex did to me.
Thats what i've to do to you as well.
Its not the best thing to do.
But its one way for the both of us to just move on.
Its for our own good.
Its for the future.
5 years down the road.
IF you still think of me.
If you still "want" me.
You'll know how to find me.
Somewhere. Somehow.
Because i'll be there.

2009-01-07T22:18:00.003+08:00

Finally my off day~!
I've been waiting for this day for like 9 days!
Wheee!
Sleepy lei!
T_T Never mind i'll dominate everyone and my games tomorrow
Or maybe just go out.

Sighs.
To forget about the past.
But must i really let go of everything that i've?
I dont right?
But materialistic things i'll keep
But the actual thing i'll just delete it from my life.
I'm sorry if i'm being stupid.
But i cant have my supposed to be girlfriend
Who was holding my hand.
Being next to me.
It feels so Hard to resist.
It feels so Hard to let go.
Its just so hard to do anything.
I dont know what i'm saying.
But.
I've personal promises to keep

2009-01-06T21:10:00.002+08:00

Thinking about what Sylvie said.
Yea yea i know what i'm doing and stuff.
Please la -.- I know what i need to do
But somehow the way you say things
Just always make me seem like i'm in the wrong.
Or i'm just saying this to irritate you or piss you off.
But somehow its like you cant seem to find the intention between my lines.
And cant you just like tell me straightforwardly.
Instead of how you always do things of going one big round?
I can sense alot of emotions and frustration and just that stupid feeling.
But what i can i do much about this right?
Anyways -.- I dont really wanna think so much.
As long you know what you're doing.
Feel good about yourself.
Be confident.
Live life happily.
Let me know you're happy or if i can help you in anyways.
Just do it.
I'll be there and stuff what so ever.
Life sucks to a certain extend.
Unless we can spend it with someone thats there for us.

I wont say i want you.
But i just want you in a certain way
As my friend.
But somehow..
We seem so distant.
Therefore i must just let my arms out and just.
Let go because.
I dont wish to have any misunderstanding between us.
I dont wish to have any wrong idea.
We miss each other.
Nothing much about that.
We were almost an "item" once than what?
You were my 1st in alot of things b4.
I did alot of stupid things.
But i never regretted.
I still keep the shoes we went to buy together.
I still have the memories.
I still remember .
But whats the point right?
Till today somethings change somethings dont.
You seem to have grown and changed.
Abit in the positive way.
I'm glad.
But still its not enough?
Or maybe it is just that i'm not the type of person that can help you.
You're just too "high" and i'm just someone trying to help you to my best.
But my best?
Is not being accepted by you.
You either dont want to accept it?
Or you just have other plans.
I dont blame you
I know i'm so dam freaking pathetic.
But than again.
I dont care what others or you think.
I just want to know that i've done a part in helping.
No matter what i've helped with.
I know i've tried and did what i could.
You can say i'm bad. I'm not good or just trying to force something outa us.
But you're wrong because thats not what i want to do.
I cant control myself
I dont know whats wrong.
Somehow i know its not right to be lustful or whatsoever.
But you know its just that when you've held that persons hand b4.
And that person is like so close to you.
You just want to hold it and feel safe.
I dont know -.-
Sighs. Security and Company.
Its so hard to mix things up.
But yet.
Its so simple to just let our bodies just run with the flow.
But yet we cant.

Bringing back the topic i said in my previous blog.
Desires vs necessities.
I Desire you.
But i dont need you because you're not meant for me.
But yet.
I dont know -.-
Whats love ?
Seriously?
If you've feelings for me
And i've feelings for you
Is that love?
A crush?
Or just some kinda intimacy that we desire?

Just dont wanna think about this ya?
You're just sooo outta my reach.
This is just so stupid.
I'm just so stupid -.-
I wish i could be stronger.
Smarter. Tougher.

I want to do more.I want to help more people.
But i'm just too helpless myself.
Feel like just giving up.

2009-01-05T21:12:00.001+08:00

Today work was kinda hell.
Last night i had alota dreams.
Today i met Sylvie.
We ate swensons at bugis.
After that we slacked for 3 mins and than i sent her home.
So sad right?
But yea i really missed her
I think i do.
I know i do actually.
Wells. Afterall we had a chance.
Maybe we still have.
But its kinda hard. Hahas.

Life eh?
Dont go.
I want you here..

2009-01-04T22:52:00.002+08:00

Work was..
Okay laa.
Love life is suckish la!
Charmaine is.. Attached la.
She's happy lo.
I'm losing myself-.-
Trapped between my "love" and my meaning of "love"
Arghs.

So frustrating that i'm going crazy.
So irritating. So pissed -.-
Just.. Let me see you again and tell you.
That i wan you to tell me you hate me.
Thats how much i want to let you go and have ur happiness.
Let me hate myself.
Let me detest myself.
Let me be the lowest lifeform.
I just dont wanna suffer in this agony anymore.
Whats love?
I dont know. I just wish it was something not that painful and mind consuming.
I just wanna be a loner..

2009-01-03T21:38:00.001+08:00

Work sucks.
x] What more can i say thats untrue. Cas its true!
WORK SUCKS lol
And everyone is falling ILL!! Zomg -.-
I'm sick -.-
I'm tired. T_T.
And i want a break.

2009-01-02T21:37:00.002+08:00

Happy birthday grands! =x
A year older. A year "Wiser" yea yea.
According to alison. Older = Better in everything.
Such nonsense. Being the same age as others and the younger students than you score better.
Is that considered being better?
Please la nonsensical la.
Anyways. Today talk to my cousins.
All doing so well.
I feel like a total idiot.
Oh wells i wished i had stupid friends =x
LOL Better not x]
Why would i wanna wish downfall upon my friends right?
Sheesh i'm so jealous -.-

Everyone's growing up.
Look at those kids!
2 years ago they were like "not there"
But now you can see them.
Char char. I'm leaving you like this?
While you're growing up.
I wish i could be there watching you grow up with me.
Hahas probably just my stupid mind thinking about happiness.
While my inner self knows no peace.
Sheesh I'm sleepy.
Nites~

2009-01-01T19:27:00.004+08:00

Be wilded by the past.
Afraid of the future.
Tired of the present.
I'm not really lively am I?
Traumatised by my past..
Abit sian.Keep having weird thoughts. -.-
But somehow somewhere Its not possible at all.
Watch too much movies liao.
Life is not what it seems is it?
Its the new year. 2009
Soon everything will begin.
Soon everything will end.

Life is like this ain't it?

Take this step.
And don't look back.
To achieve true power.
You've to abandon everything else.

Char char. I love you.
I wanna tell you this for a very long time le.
But i don't feel that i'm good enough.
Whats love really right?
Hearing people say that they've been together for 9 years.
5 years. Does that make me a loser?
I'm not afraid of being a loser.
But i want you to be happy.
Would you be happy with me?
I don't know where I've gone so wrong no matter what i do.
But its either i try too hard.
Or i make a very bad mistake because of who i am.
What is love really?
Sighs.

Work is tiring.
Work is boring.
Working makes me super sleepy.
Sighs. I'm not really wanting a relationship
I just want to hang out with friends.
Sit at parks.
Run around have fun.
Try new things. See new places.
But being alone i feel so restrained.
So constricted to so few ideas and variety's.
Imagine you going to anywhere alone and just sitting there.

Sighs it just sucks when you've nothing. -.-

2008-12-31T21:33:00.001+08:00

sleeeppyy.
THATS ALL . work sucks .
I had alot of dreams last night.

If i ever have a choice?
I'll never make a decision.

2008-12-30T21:35:00.002+08:00

Sleep sleep ><
WORK WORK ><
Wadeva.
Today was quite okay larrhs. Busy and screwed up as usual
What more can i say?
Tomorrow hopefully will be good x]
Anyways.. I've been reading my previous blog.
Its so emotional -.- So freaking annoyed.
After everything.

Some where deep inside hurts.

Jowent is talking to me
So much crap
So much misunderstanding.

I dont wanna think anymore.
But looking back.
Hey its really true when i just look at what i say.
Those things and meanings and just feelings that i had.
Its just so "emotional"
So "true" ya know its like.
I'd do anything ANYTHING.
But now i've already taken the next step.

Now i'm asking myself.
If i was trapped between Charmaine and Zhi Wei who would i choose?
My promise? Or my dream girl
SIGHS.
I'M SUCH AN IDIOT

2008-12-29T21:30:00.002+08:00

Stone. Stoned. Crappy -.-
I'm sleepy.
Went to watch TWILIGHT today.
The characters aint v good looking. At least to me.
Oh well but at least the show was worth it.

Anyways. I'm so tramatised recently.
Anyways i came across this post in my ex's blog.

† Sunday, December 14, 2008 †

Took me a msg from my subconscious 2 make me admit sth dat i've kept deep within my heart. Last nite.. A dream so real dat i tot it rly took place.. But well, I kan do anything to stop it from happening huh.. I'm juz so confused.. I noe i dun wan him, yet deep in my heart i tink i do.. Although i still kan envision any future wif him.. Aarghs let sleeping dogs lie.

Looking back.
All the things she's lied about.
All the things that has been said and done.
And yet she still knows deep inside her heart.
What i've really done.
And what i've really not done.
She's really #^&* up to accused me.
But than again. I pity her.

I dont know what to say actually
I'm just tired.

Why does this have to happen to me.
Why am i so stupid to not be able to salvage my sitaution.
Why do I not think for the far run.
Hiax so many questions.
Only 1 answer.
I'm a fool.

2008-12-28T21:16:00.002+08:00

Love is not forced.
I just cant stop thinking about you.
Why why why cant i just stop thinking about you
I thought i've gotten over you.
But the thought of being so close.
Being able to be so close to you just makes me feel so drawn away.
I wanna tell you
I really wanna just tell you.
Grab my bike and cycle and just let all my energy out.
I'm so pissed.
I cant get myself right..

I wanna get my life straight
But somehow i'm just stuck.
I think i'm just being stupid not doing anything about it.
What should i really do than?
I should sign on some online matchmaking webbie?
I'm like so young yet so remote.
At least i think i'm young right?
Why cant the people older than me behave like grown up's
I need some real advice.
But yet i've no one to turn to.
Jeremy is gone. Lost my best friend gone.
Sighs i just cant get over things that i'm stuck with.

You're a person looking at 3 choices.
You want choice A alot!
But you know you its something hard to achieve.
You dont like choice B
So its totally out of the question.
Choice C gives you that CHOSE ME
Kinda answer. But you just know and feel its not right.
With just these 3 choices. And you dont have any others.
What can you do?
Nothing.. You're just stuck seeing the questions wondering.
Pondering how to choose.
What to do.
I'm so tired.
I just want a different choice or another choice or option

Anyways. Nothing much to be said now or done.
JUst finding another answer down with life and just carry on.
Hopefully. She'll be there.
Waiting..

Char char i want you so badly.

2008-12-27T21:54:00.002+08:00

Sighs i haven blogged in days.
Not that i don't want to
Just don't have the mood and the energy to really just pull myself together and type me life.
After all its just a stupid cycle.
Anyways just to update what has been going on.
ON XMAS I WAS DAM PISSED
They said i was gonna get paid 950 an hour but yet i was paid my standard rate.
Oh wells. Never mind now i say i wan quit THEY PRETEND THEY DON'T KNOW!.
Even better guess they WANT AND NEED ME
Shit this man I'm being made use of and manipulated.

I really want to tell her.
I really want her to know.
And i've got my reservist letter.
I just want to see her smile and shout at me for being stupid
Just thinking about her makes me so happy yet depressed.
I dont want to lose her But yet i feel i'm not good enough.
I cant help feeling stupid.
For whatever i do in love.
Because i just cant fucking pull myself together for another try.
Its just something i fear. I love you so much i fear of getting the worse.
But if i love you so much.
Is this something i should hide from you?
Tell me what should a real lover do in a time like this?
I love you because of who you are.
I dont know why i love you.
But i'm glad i'm in love with you over my stupidity.

I'll tell you.
When i've the chance.
Wait for me.
I'll definately be there.No matter what.

Life at work is tiring.
Boring. Just nerve wrecking.
Sighs. Give me a break.

sighs. xmas eve.

2008-12-24T19:08:00.002+08:00

Hahs. Today was quite chaotic but yea i got through .
xD Ronald YOU BLACKIE LOL.
Gay boy is back! AND BLACKER DEN EVA!
Go for reservist get tanned till black ! LOLS.
Boring blog.
Just posting my stupid daily life here.

My reservist letter came .
Going in during March. x]
I'm slowly becoming numb.
But i'm still thinking about her.
Just cant help thinking about her..
She's my dream. But just thinking about things that can happen.
Just thinking about her being with someone else.
Really upsets me etc.
But she's happy right?
I've to give her up.

Arghs i'm so complicated with my life now.
I dont wanna do anything.

errr? XMAS IN ADVANCE ! x]

2008-12-23T20:23:00.005+08:00

Whats it like to be "pregnant"
Whats it like to get married.

Hilary from my work place is going back to his hometown to spend Xmas with his "family"
Whats it like to grow up.
Be mature. Earn money Provide for yourself and ur loved one.
When is it time to get married?
"When you look at other girls, And not be interested in them"
And only have 1 person in ur mind, Your "heart"
That's when you know.

Whats love ya? Hahas.
Jowent. I finally know her name.
Hiaz WTF. Sheesh WHY THE HELL WERE YOU
WAITING FOR ME AFTER WORK lol!.
I'll be spending Xmas alone.
Hahas anyone wanna spend it with a loner like myself? xD
Naws its alright.
I can only wish the ones i love happiness.

Sighs . Someone intro me someone LOL .
Till another day it is ba.
Merry Christmas in advance to everyone.
Especially to those who are spending it
Lovingly

The wait of forfillment and maturity begins.

2008-12-22T20:16:00.002+08:00

I wanted to post yesterday.
I had it up! BUT i forgot LOL..
Does not matter.
SYLVIE welcome back to SINGAPORE.

Okay its not really such a big deal ?
I think i've changed since i 1st known you.
But you've changed abit i think?
Sighs everythings changing even though i wish it wont.
Somehow no matter how i see things.
People grow and mature.
Thats great! But are they maturing in the right way?
In the right direction etc?
Sighs its kinda disappointing now.

Ignore everything around you.
Ignore everything that pisses you off etc.
Why do we have to suffer the fate others created for us?
Make a move.Why wont you voice yourself out!
Common just shout it out and slap them with ur crude remarks.
Sheesh SORRY lols Just that i'm having alot of confusion and thoughts.
Its frustrating.
So annoying.
Because i cant do anything about it.
Haha's my best is not good enough .
Because i cant give my best if i'm speeding through things
And getting things done at the same time.

Thinking of a certain someone now.
A certain someone i want to forget.
Would i forgive myself if i dont tell you?
Would i forgive myself if i let you go to some other guy?
Watching you walk down that asile.
It hurts somewhere.
But i'm forgetting i'm removing.
Ronald I dont wanna do this ya know. But its because you're my friend.
My "brother" thats why i'll still hanging on.
Just to let you know that i'll do anything for my friends.
Its hard but i'll breakthrough the hardships.

Christmas is coming.
I dont have the x'mas spirit.
I'm just loitering around the days Slogging my head off.
Myself off preparing for the days of hardship to come.
I want to give up.
SO many times and i'm still here.
Why cant i just let go?
Is it really that hard?
If we hold back.
We lose out.
But why why why!! WHY CANT I JUST DO IT?
Fear? Responsibility? Necessity?
Should i even go to work tomorrow?
Sheessh. I hate this.

The wait of forfillment and maturity begins.

2008-12-20T21:35:00.000+08:00

Today i woke up at around 1+
Yay had so much sleep I really enjoyed it.
Hahahs. Went to cut my hair AGAIN. -.-
But oh wells never mind.

Went to serangoon after that.
Met up with Vick to go for the "christmas celebration"
Was not up to my standard at least.
But oh wells never mind.
Sighs.
And VIC! one more thing -.-
I KNOW ITS CAROLLING ETC.
But DONT SUDDENLY GRAB MY HAND.
Best is that you dont touch these hands at all.
Sighs now i've held the hands of 3 girls.
But oh wells i wont remember it anyways.

i'm forgetting.
I've forgotten.

2008-12-19T23:05:00.002+08:00

Today at work .
Was rather chaotic.
Zzzz i really dont wanna do this.
If you're issuing me a challenge .
You can do the job well?
You take over and do instead lo.

I lazy la. Wake up so early.
Work so hard dont get any thing back in return and yet.
Still dont get paid extra and make sure everything is okay
Shit this la you want you do urself la.

Tomorrow my off day!
AT LAST.
Long last..
Sighs. Lets take life easy and slack.

And work. Its not where you get ur energy from.
Its the sense of responsibility.
But true you need the energy somehow somewhen.
At a certain point of time.

X'mas is coming eh?
Lets all do our best.
Get MC k? xD

another day eh?

2008-12-18T20:23:00.002+08:00

Getting realistic.
I just wanna sleep and slack and just laze around.
Being young eh?
Girls are annoying.
Though sometimes i really wish.
But now i'm just going to let myself be paranoid.
Stupid girls working during the lunch.
Think i dont know what they doing -.-
Grow up la older than me still behave like kids.

I'm still kiddish but still i take control of myself
Work is work.

And tomorrow will be hell.
I need to work faster.
Better...
I'm on my own.

17th december.

2008-12-17T21:14:00.002+08:00

Hahs. Today at work was quite eventful.
Hehs. With proper preparations and good co ordinations.
Everything went quite smoothly and i finished preps for my High tea.
Sianzations next week i working everyday also except sat.
Including christmas.

I'm letting go.
Inside does not feel much.
Though i really want "friends" and company.
Probably just attention.
I wont have any weird intentions.
Or anything thing to do with this.
Just need to get used to this life without thinking about anyone.
And being alone means i can think for myself.
Do everything for myself.
And last of all not get distracted and get my work done on time xD

I'm just living in my own world of fantasies.
I'd probably never find another person like myself.
Or anything like that.
Seeing the girls around me.
Looking at them and just thinking.
They're all "modern"
They still don't "understand".
Its still too early to say.
If i rush things. It'll only be more problematic.
So i'll let things be.
I don't need to find a lover.
I don't need to find friends.
Because I'll not live in people's shadows anymore.
I'll stand on my wobbly own feet.
If i have to crawl to the end in the long run
So be it.

2008-12-16T22:03:00.002+08:00

I knew this girl
From a friend.
She was my dream girl for some weird reason.
We started off enemies. Kinda funny.
But I "held" in there.
We became friends.
Laughing over the fone. Sharing problems.
But we're not close.
We never were.

I fell for her.
We seem so compatible in every way.
But it was only me that felt that way.
I liked her b4 i was together with my ex.
But when with my ex i was gg to give her up.
But somewhere inside me still longed for her as it was deemed she was the perfect partner.
But after my break up i realised a few things.
Nothing is perfect.
No matter how hard you try.
Sometimes its not what that you do.

I wanna erase her.
But i know it'll take awhile.
Talking to gekky.
If i could switch my life for someone Else's.
To make theirs more meaningful.
I'd gladly give mine up.

Why does it seem so miserable?
Make my own life happy.
Make my life meaningful?
Fear? etc? I don't know.
Laziness. Probably stupidity.
I'm not studying.
I'm working. I don't have anything.
How can i make things through.
How can i make things work out?
How can i provide for the one i love?
How to be a friend?
Whats a friend. Friends contact each other?
Think about each other?
What is a real friend?
No one can "show" me.
So i really cant be bothered to find friends.
Its like we're better off alone in our own world.
Who can we trust?
Who can you trust....
The person you'd trust the most is the person who will let you down the greatest.
In times of difficulties.

Moments of folly.
Life time of regrets.

time to forget. Time to let everything i hold so dear go.

2008-12-16T18:34:00.002+08:00

Okay i'm happy.
And emotionless.
Crappy. But i feel so stupid.
I cant feel anything.
I see a pretty girl and my heart does not stay on and i drifts away.
I'm not gay! But i'm quite sad.
But yet happy for the one i love.

I know that she's blessed now.
And she's happy.
I'm glad i made that wish for her on my birthday.
Nothing pleases me more.
But i'm just abit wacked that its all going to go like this.
I'm letting it go.
I'm deleting everything.
Just like my past.
I'm going to forget.
I'm going to let go and just start anew.

Hopefully... Like bitter virgin.
I'll find a person.
Just like myself.
Who'll understand and know.
What love is and maybe. Share it with me.
Work sucks.
Life sucks. And my life is totally empty.
Its not what you do that makes you who you are.
Its how you think and feel.

Charmaine. I hope you'll be with this guy.
And you'll be happy.
Eternal bliss x] Because if you read this again. I'm just letting you know.
I'm sorry that. I don't wanna remember or bring you up again.
Thanks for being there.
As a friend.
You'll be remembered on this blog.
And forgotten to me.

I wished i could be reborned.

how much love is love?

2008-12-15T18:47:00.002+08:00

Last night i had a dream.
I found the girl i like.
Or i think i love.
I stood there waiting.
She looked dam different.
I stood there looking at here.
My feelings felt like they were wavered?
I think i dont know.
But i knew i was still sincere and serious about her.
I know i'm a sturbbon one.
I believe in the weirdest things.
And i believe we can together.
Thats what i believe.

People say if i can do better.
I should "snatch" her away.
But can i do better?
I'm going army soon.
I wont be able to be there for her.

Sighs. Would you be there for me?
Would you accept me?
Even though i'm so stupid?
Would you wait for me?
Love me? I dont wanna hold you down.
But i believe love is patient.
I'll wait.. For the day to come.

(end of "story" + dream)

Today work was another day of hell. But slacky in another.
Hahas too easy but than again i freaking forgot about my scallops in the friggin oven.
Hiaz i'm just short on memory
And it's proven.
Anyways. Today after work i went to NYDC .
Hahas everyone's gone.
And the people who i though would be together.
Are together.
Heh's nothing outta the blue.
Talked to Ken.
Slacked slacked.
I'm having fun.
And yet stressed out.
Still hate my job to a certain extend due to certain things.
What can i say or do
Sighs.
Either way i'm just feeling super depressed.
I know nothing or no one except her.
Will change me.

Sylvie. Where are you..

sighs.

2008-12-14T20:18:00.003+08:00

I'm more emotional den materialistic! LOL!
I forgot that i spoilt my 1.2k bike yesterday ROFL.
Shit man! HAHAHAS Oh wells. Guess i overwhelm myself with emotions
That i forget everything else.

Wishes, Dreams, Needs and wants.
Anyways That does not matter to me now.

SHEET MAN why do i always get the dirty job.
I get underpaid because of the timings.
I look at those people doing brunch.
They come.
Everything's prepared for them.
They stand there and just cook for people.
I can do that too wad.
But instead I'm working part-full time style.
Running around like an idiot while having to ensure everythings goes well.
And making sure i prepare what i have to do at the same time.
And get paid till 4 when brunch closes at 335 and have to clear desserts and 4pm sharp etc.
And at the same time the people doing brunch end at 430.
And after they close they just bring the remanding food and feast upstairs while i still slog
And clear up their mess etc.
And i work till around 430 too.

What pisses me off more is that I'm younger than all of them.
Making me feel like someone clearing off their shit.
Fck this and i don't get paid.OT
Everyone who does mezza gets this treatment
I don't want to get this shit.
I'm going to ask them to extend.
Or I'm just going to leave.
Should I?
Dam its so hot.
And tiring. And just stressful to just make sure everything is done well while running around.

I'm having memory lapse due to all the forgetting and brainwashing I've been doing
To myself.
I need to really work my mind

I'm just looking for a real friend.
A companion.
Someone. Anyone. To be there for me.
A stupid me.

But I guess that's too much to ask to begin with.

midst of december alreaddy?! A dream of being weak.

2008-12-13T20:56:00.002+08:00

Lies. Lies and more lies.
Read between my lines and you'd probably understand my 2nd meaning.
I'm not saying things for no reason.
I have reasons for saying what i've said.
Its only whether you get it or not,.
But than again. I dont think i'm capable of providing you with happiness.
But none the less i want you to know.
Indirectly. That someone cares.
Someone thinks about you and wants you.

Work was tiring.
I'm tired. Cant stop yawning. Sighs.
I'll turn in super early today.

Last night i had a dream.
(cut the story short)
I did not manage to protect those i love.
Conclusion. I suck.
Its only a dream.
But it speaks alot of what that has been happening around me.
I'm weak.

I'm so retarded.
I'm even lying to the person i love.

Should i really just let it go

2008-12-12T22:08:00.002+08:00

I can say that I'm emotionally crushed.
Though I'm trying so hard not to show.
Trying so hard not to let it out.
I hope nobody ever reads this shit anymore anyways.
I just want a place to vent out everything and just shout it out.

I'm in a forest.
A forest of trees.(or so they say)
Some trees are nice.
They look nice are are good and strong.
Some are nice looking but inside is already rotting etc.
I'm a tree.Probably a weed rather.
Looking for a tree. A good tree to be my companion.
But this tree has been entangling with others.
And leaving me out only to watch hear and know that she's already taken.
As i stand from afar to talk to her occasionally while the wind carries my voice.
I really wish to see her up close instead of the photo that i have.
She seems so perfect.
And I'm feeling so down under.
How can a weed ever match up to a tree?
And now I'm just waiting.
Waiting for a day.That i might have a chance.

There are weeds like me
Out there somewhere.
But they're probably not my type.
Or I'm not their type.
Or I've yet to find that another someone.

Blehs stupid story translation.
But yea. What more can i say?
She's with her guy.
And i hope she's happy with him.
I mean what more can i ask for right?
Though deep down inside
We long for it.
We want it. But than when we see.
That the love we give. The person we are.
Is not compatible. Now Later Or never.
The most painful thing is to let the thing you love most go.
And regret and just long for a day that you'll be reunited.
Re joined.

Life and death.
It seems so simple.
A cycle everyday.
The sun rises.
We wake up.
We sleep
The moon shines over us.
And we continue our lives.
Learning each day.
And at the end of time.
This test. We die. And just "vanish"

I really wish that i could forget.
I really wish i dont know.
I just dont want to hurt like this.
No one wants to be alone.
No one would definately wanna be heartbrokened.

If only i could be better..
If only i was perfect.

Friend?

2008-12-11T22:10:00.003+08:00

What are friends for?
Hmm i dont know.
Do onto others what you want them to do onto you?

Spent a day slacking away.
Hahas it feels so good.
My stupid mom talked to me about responsibility.
SCREW THIS LA HOR.
Set what example.
Stfu la hor you wan blame me for what.
I'm ME
You're YOU.
As simple as that you want an example?
Go out there and get one.
I'm not going to be your example.
And dont use me as your example.
You think i care what he did last time?
You think its my responsibility to be like him?
Go get someone like him to replace me lo.
Everyone's better than me to you so what does it matter
Go pick up some can on the road and say its better than the same.
Stupid right?

Am i really a friend?
Am I capable than?

At this rate its all going to waste.

My feelings are telling me to go against the odds.
My Thoughts tell me to give her the freedom.
My Love tells me to give her "perfect" happiness.
My Soul tells me to just let everything be and get what i need to do done.

I'm just being stupid.

2008-12-10T21:00:00.002+08:00

Kinda weird i'm popping back my ex blog.
I'm just seeing what she says.
Though what she said is totally untrue at times.
But hell yea who cares.
Maybe i do. Abit.
I cant say i really loved her to begin with.
Since while with her i was actually thinking of someone else.
But i was going to give her up and dedicate myself to her.
But in the end? Hiaz what can i say? Its no point afterall.
Its all over and she's decided to do such.
I cant do anything now can i?

Now again i'm so sad.
I dont know why. Tell me why i just cant get anything right?
I'm thinking if i dont try i'll never get it.
But i dont wanna try or do I?
I'm like on the edge of both sides.
But than again.
Whats love.
Alison said if i love her i want the best for her.
If i can do better.
Than i should "snatch" her away.
But than i'm not in her school etc.
I dont wanna distract her etc.
HIAZ.
I'm just so tired. I dont know how and what to do.

Listening to some "emotional" songs now.
No matter where life takes me to. A part of me will always be with you.
Emotionally i'm not fine.
Physically i'm sick and tired.
Psychologically i'm UNSTABLE.
Mentally i'm sick.
OVERall report status.

CrAzY rEtArd.

yawns

2008-12-10T17:06:00.001+08:00

Hiaz. I dont know what i've been thinking lately
Just thinking about a particular someone.
Sighs. Thats all
Work sucks . Life sucks.
I wish i could love you. thats all i wanna do i think.

Memories.Christmas draws near

2008-12-09T20:56:00.002+08:00

Today was a "meaningful" day.
I had quite alot of things running through my head to process.
But somehow i feel as though my mind is thinking slower.
And not as "smart" as i used to be.
Since when was i smart to begin with.
Ahhh the girl that I'm working with is a beauty.
But than again. I DON'T FRIGGIN CARE K! So stop trying to give me that stupid look.
It wont change anything -.- I don't give a dam! And I'm not gay ! LOL.

Work was pretty fine. Tomorrow got quite a few things to do.
Prepare for the guy working for me xD
hahas i quite bad sia push the hard days to someone "new"
Oh wells guess the world has its own evil side =x
I mean me xD

Cycled to visit my grands.
She's 80+ and always talking about dying and moving on.
She just wants to pass time.
But passing time alone, and in pain.
Hiaz how to help her?
I also don't know. I cant help her heart.
That's trapped in darkness knowing her own children.
Actually just maybe 2 of them ARE TOTALLY SCREWING UP their own lives.
Worrying if they'll divorce etc.
Yea she's talking about my family etc.
But i don't friggin really care.
But than again i do abit.
I only can put a positive face and tell her that everything fine and make her feel better?
I don't know how to deceive my own grandmother la.
After all the things..
She was the one to bring me up.
To protect me
To instill all the "good points"
The goodness i am today in me.
She was the one who scared me with all those real things happening.
And just keeps worrying all day.
Worry wart. But i really appreciate it.
If 1 day she was to die.
I don't know should i be happy that she wont have to suffer.
Or be sad to lose my dearest grandmother.
I'm just going to say that I'm very grateful for everything she's done.
And I'll spend my free time going to visit her x]

Slacking now.
Sianzations i don't know what to do.
I need to sleep soon but I'm waiting for Charmaine to tell me when i can call her.
Hiaz. I mean what i say and i wont back out on my words.
That's what i believe a man should be.
Protective. Decisive. "Productive". A person who can make his loved one and family happy and be someone everyone can rely on.
I don't know .. I don't think i can hahas. Maybe I'll remain a kid.
If only i could.

Time passes by so fast. In a blink its the end of this year already.
I'm thinking about my ex.
We met somewhere in late November.
Got closer in December.
I remember church carols.
I remember alot of things suddenly.
Flashbacks.
I remember Sylvie. I remember the times I've been dedicating myself to love them.
But getting screwed by them none the less.
I'm lonely. I'm bored.
And I'm getting used to it.

A family ... I wonder whats it like to be a father..

Hari raya. Public holidays.

2008-12-08T20:59:00.002+08:00

What a day to spend my off days by spending money un necessary -.-!!
SO TOTALLY UNCALLED FOR.
Hiaz.
Woke up due to a message from Gay boy saying the substitute might not be able to make it.
Than i getting ready he say don't 1st he go confirm
Than message me ask me go back sleep
WTF MAN! asswhipe! KNS!
lols anyways i managed to pull myself back into bed and sleep.
Woke up at around 9+?
I don't know. Watch my brother get owned in dota etc.
Than i go fix my bicycle.
Vic messaged me. Say go watch bolt.
Why not? right?
Cycled home. It was raining all days.
Sighs. Anyways reached home. Bathe.
Chiong -.- Had to take a cab or sure super late.
Waste money -.- Reach there 220.
Movie no seats. We settled for the 3.30 on.
!!! WASTE MONEY TAKE CAB sia lols.
Oh wells.
Shopped there while waiting for the movie to start.
So fun sia. Vic like my little sister. hahas!
Bolt was not as good as i expected.
And it cost me 10 bucks cas its a public holiday! OMG -.-
Movies are totally so ex now adays -.- sighs.
Den i cabbed home. And cabbed down to Toapayoh to play basketball.
Sheesh i super hate wet weathers for CERTAIN SPORTS.
And the ball not standard one -.-
Never mind its only a game. x] Hope they dint mind me being so noob on their team.
Sighs.
Play 22 games all go home?!
DARN that totally sucks la.
Waste time and money .
Sheesh today was totally uncalled for.
I wished it was better.
But i really enjoyed my time with Vic.
Hehs.

2008-12-07T19:06:00.002+08:00

The mind is clearing.
Yet blurring.
I'm sleepy. I'm tired.
And i don't care lols -.-
x] Memories are memories.
Friends are friends.
But I'll remember you for more than that.

Hiaz i don't care la.
I really don't know.
Its just so deep inside i don't know what i feel.
Hahas i can say I'm just shattered.
But I'm happy
I think.
I hope
I wish..

I'm getting along fine.
I'm moving down the correct path.
I'm working for my necessities.
I'm living for the sake and existence I'm trying to create.
I've something to prove.
But i don't have anything.
Its something shown with sincerity.
Its something called trust and love.
But its something.
I would never give.
Contradictions.

6th december ALREADY?!

2008-12-06T19:16:00.002+08:00

Saddening ain't it.
To know the person you love.
Found "love" Wells..
If she really loves and is loved.
I'll give her my blessings.
But than again. Its quite hard lols.
Inside just does not wanna accept that fact.

Because i was too late and therefore Ive let go of something so worth
My birthday i made a wish.
It was for someone to be happy.
If that's her happiness. I'm happy.
For myself?
I'll just find happiness within the dark corners finding shimmers of light.
If its ever possible.
None the less I'm not going to lie to myself.
I'm going to just face the facts.
And I'm just going to let things be.
After all i think..
I'll let nature take its course ba.
Its good to love.
Its better to be loved.
Its best to make love =X
OKAY THAT WAS LAME.
But than again. whats love.

Once b4 i told my colleague.
I would do anything.
But now? I don't think i would.
I just cant bring myself to trust anyone so much anymore.
Its only words. Anyone can show them.
Its only that moment of "action" how can you believe if its true?
For life how long can you keep up this act?

Naw this is life we've just got to face it.
Marriage, Growing old, Kids, Financial issues, Health issues.
Wadeva la. Hahas.

Today at work was quite good. Managed everything well.
Finished on time.
I'm on the verge of breaking down.
But that's how i always am.
On the edge.
But I'll maintain my balance.
I wont allow myself to crumble or fall so easily.
I've things to do. Things to protect.
I wanna make a memory. A good memorable one.
For everyone.. And myself.

emo -.- Charmaine is engaged again. Time to give up for the final time? sighs.

2008-12-05T19:40:00.002+08:00

I'm in a super emo mood.
Hahas i guess we must all know where we stand
"I wanted you to understand me more than anyone else"
"So i wanted to disclose myself to you"
"but that doesnt work because i've no experience"
"Thats just to irritating"
"I just cant be honest with myself, I'm just contradicting myself"

But than again.
Only people who really want to know and understand me
Will understand me easily.
Hahas
Its all written between the lines.

Today ended work late again.
Bo bian never mind.
At least i learned some cool things xD
Time to create my own recipie =x
Its gonna cost me xDD
But you never know if ya dont try ^^

Finding love?
Let nature take its course ba.
Time will tell.
Love will nuture.
And it'll last.

2008-12-05T00:00:00.002+08:00

Keeping my cool.
Taking it easy.
Letting my head chill.
I should have know.
Actually i think i knew.
But than again.
I dont wanna think about this.

Guess this time.
I'll just let it end.
I'll remove everything.
And just let this be another sad, happy memory.

Its all over. I dont wanna think about you anymore.

4th dec

2008-12-04T20:33:00.003+08:00

The story still hits me quite abit.
The meaning of love hits me again.
Happiness is whats that everyone's looking for.
I'm also looking for happiness.
But i don't think i can really find it hahas.
Visions that I've had. And such.
I've never had a far end vision of my life.
Am i going to die young?
Hahas nvr minds i shan't talk about fate destiny or illusions or visions.
Anyways.
I'm giving up i think
I don't know. -.-
I just cant feel it already.
I mean its not like i dint try.
I think I've tried.
But somehow i don't feel so compatible anymore.
We're still "young"
"WE"
You probably don't understand or anything.
Sometimes when i think we're growing up.
We're no longer the same.
We mature.
But somehow no matter how i look at it.
Somethings change.
Somethings wont change.
Our characteristics.
Our likes and dislikes.
Its who we are.
What we are. What we were made to be.
What we've become.
Its not an overnight change.
Its not something you just say hey you're the one for me.
Its just that.
Maybe.. I try to hard.
Maybe i should not even bother.
Maybe i should just end all of this here.
The end of the line.

I'm sorry because i don't wish to continue believing or thinking about something.
Which i don't know whats what and i don't wish to ask.
I'm not that kinda person when it comes to feelings.
I'm only bitching around here so who actually cares.
Even if you do read this.
What can i say. Its all up to you.
I'll shut up and listen.

Not that its what you asked me to do.
What should i do than.
Lets just let nature take its course. And i hope you'll find someone.
Perfect, better, more mature, Someone who can take care of you.
And make you happy.

Do you really think i believe everything you say?

Today i ended work late.
Had a long cool refreshing shower.
Had alot of things running through my mind.
I seriously hate working after the days i'm off.
Alot of shit i've to clear.
Oh wells. -.-
That's my life.

3rd december

2008-12-03T22:32:00.002+08:00

Today i spent alot of money on stupid things ^^.
Hahahs but oh wells i feel abit stupid spending so much.
But yet its so fun spending money.
Better than saving money lols.

Went out to meet victoria today. ^^
Hmm watched madagascar for the 2nd time.
Not as funny as i remembered.
Oh wells. Cant help it.
-.-
Called gekky . Lols she still has my number X]
Abit stunned x]
And she's still in band! OMG =X hahahahahs. The love for music eh?
Ate pastamania for the 3rd time today i think.
1st time with sylvie, 2nd with zhiwei, 3rd time with victoria.
Hmm not really important.

Love with your spouse.
Love with someone.
Love with siblings.
Love with friends.
Love with your materialistic things.
Love with your pets.
Love with everything around you.
Its all different.
Hahas some people wont understand.

Hiaz. feeling relatively bored heartless emotional now.
Dont know why i just cant get my feelings right.
But i'm slowly losing my mind.
My passion.
My dream and my promises i've made.
Its all fading. Going away. Just diseappearing.
I cant remember. I dont even think i want to remember.
Just going out with someone.
Makes me feel so happy already.
Does that mean i'm only lonely not yearning for love?
It does not matter who.
It just the companionship.
This yearning to hold someone has gone.
This yearn to love is no longer there.
I'm not desperate. x] Just lonely.
Working tomorrow.
Getting ready for hell!
JY x] may time pass well.

Till the day . Till that day..

2008-12-02T23:51:00.003+08:00

Finished the manga.
So freaking sweet.
So freaking sad.
So freaking everything.
I seriously recommend it to people who are bored.
And those who're in love.
Though it has nothing to really do with how you feel.
But if you really "love" i believe you'll be able to relate to this manga.
Love has no limits, No boundaries.
Its pure.

One day. There might be someone.
Better than me. And i hope if that day come you'll find your true happiness.
Whether be with me
Or without me.
I love you
Truly
Deeply
Madly.
As long as you're happy.
Whats right.
I'll be happy too.
Quote taken from the manga. - Certainly a day might come where the 2 of us must part.
One day a man Much more mature than i am will take care of the girl i love.
One day he'll find someone more cheerful much more suited for him than i am.
But till that day comes. I'll love you.
Be there for you. And be with you till the end of time.
I'll be with you.

http://www.onemanga.com/Bitter_Virgin/1/01/

If have time drop by and read ^^

bitter virgin. Manga

2008-12-02T22:09:00.003+08:00

Imagine if your lover was pregnant
Imagine if the person you loved was raped.
Imagine if the person you love was not the way you wanted.
Imagine if the thing you expected most turned out wrong.

Reading a manga on a "single mother, 16, Raped by her stepfather,pregnant
2wice,aborted once and given birth once without seeing her baby."
Its kinda sad. Its kinda love story. About loving someone.
About fear.
About wanting something and yet fear keeps you back
Reminds me of alot of things.
Its really a good manga.

Would you like to touch my tummy?
You'll be able to feel my baby.
Imagine you touching your own stomach and feel something "inside you"
Alive. Moving. Kicking. Someone.
A mother's instints.
A mothers love.
Love . For the baby.
For the responsibility of what she's done.
For the happiness of raising a child.
A new life. A new beginning.
Everyone deserves a chance right?
Instead of getting killed.
Aborted.

Hiaz. Love eh?
But what if she's the only one I'll love.
For the rest of my life I'll never find another person.
Am i going to let go?
Would she let go? Ahh i wanna finish this 32 episodes ^^
Till than.

Mr paul

2008-12-02T17:33:00.002+08:00

This is Singapore.
Actually this is the present .
There's not much true love around anymore.
If you get rejected time and again?
Just give up la! Why bother waste time only.

Zzzzz thats what my collegues told me.
Hiaz -.- Saddening aint it.
But since they're more "experienced" than me
I'll have some thoughts running through my head.
Anyways..
Why does everyone enjoy calling me Mr PAUL -.-
wtf la. These 2 girls working now are like.
Mr paul . Mr paul -.- SO FREAKING ANNOYING LA!
Hiaz. And they're like older than me
Which makes it more "frustrating" la!
I'm so bored.
Looking at my phone also don't know who to talk to.
Hiaz no one.
No one at all.

Tomorrow off day. x] What should i do.
Hiaz. Sianzations.

1 of december. Ending of 2008 the final month.

2008-12-01T21:01:00.002+08:00

A great day. Nothing went wrong.
Nothing cocked up.
Even my boss says he trust me 100%
x] Oh wells -.- Even though i can be a total kuku at times.
I still make things work out.
Today i messed up abit.
But i still pulled through using a split minded "tactic"
Stressful But than again when i think about it
WHO CARES ITS ALREADY OVER.
hahahahas.

Today i had this "debate" with myself.
Yeah thats why i always like to "argue with others"
If i see my ex again what would i do?
If i cant get what i want and need.
Than how?
I really wonder.

They're only words anyone can say them.
I'm only saying these. But inside i dont just say them
It feels. The emotions etc.
She said this once.
Making out is very common. So if its not common its not okay to make out?
Or what so ever? sometimes whenever i think back
It was really a stupid relationship.
But than again i really lost my mind.
Because of a personal promise.
A Love promise. A promise i make is a promise i keep but was broken because i dint have a real say in this.
It was her choice.
Than again. Thats why i dont wanna call the shots anymore.

If someone likes me. Or can say they love me.
What would i do?
Give them a chance? Or just love them as friends?
If i put myself in anyone's shoes.
Its great to be wanted and loved.
But to be alone?
Alone eh? Like me now?
I go to work go home w/o life and save all my money buying materialistic things?
Hiaz its not really what i need or want.
Get a life! How do i get one?
Its not like you just say i want a life.
I do the things i like.
But than again even doing things i like.
Its still on my own.
I cant get anyone to think like i do really.
Adults eh?
Only they really can understand.
Maturity level..
Youngsters just dont understand.
Guess i'm old than.
Hiaz. I dont know what to say la -.-

Talked to vic. PROBABLY going out with her tomorrow.
And HOPEFULLY HER FRIEND TOO
LOLOLOLOL><
When i think now.
My heart has no fixed answer. My eyes look and wander off.
I've no straight answer. I've no direct route.
I'm still alone and I've alot of directions to take.
I've alot of choices.
But the answers. The results are usually not mine to make. LOLS.
Because the things i do. Are not for myself.
But for those around me.
Hahahs hopefully. They'll be there for me.
As my friends. But apparently..
Nope.My phone lies there on the table.
Flat. No one messages me.
No one cares.Friends eh?

fuck catan ^^

2008-11-30T23:02:00.003+08:00

Today i had hell at work again.
Stupid Catan
FREAKING RETARDED.
Everything he also wan tiptop
Just because his boss there he want put up a good show.
Eh f**** him la hor.
I purposely say very loudly his intentions infront of the boss.
Lols dam funny la.
But end up also nothing happen! SIAN -.-.
Stupid Catan think what sia -.- Executive chef i scared?
I don't give a shit la hor.

Anyways. I lend another friend money again.
Sians really la wtf -.-

Messaged her today.
Hahas she said she'll find time for me.
Sometime some when somehow.
I don't really "believe" her
But oh wells I'll hold her to her word.
Its her decision afterall ^^

A day that was so freaking stressful and stupid.
A day that was such a waste of my time.
A day that i decide to take another step forward.
A day which I'll remember.

A day which started horribly
But ends with happy memories. ^^

10 hours.

2008-11-29T21:04:00.002+08:00

If i was a female i'd probably just tell any guy if i liked him or something.
I think?
If i was pretty or something.
LOL. Anyways. Its like you always see anime or shows.
That girls tell their guys they like them and run away.
But somehow i dont know about it the other way round.
Hahas.
I'm crazy.
Today worked for 10 hours
And i'm supposed to go lan gaming tonight
Can i survive annot
Next week they put me working 6 days again -.-
Pushing their luck to far already le ba -.-

I dont wanna work so hard.
I need a break , I want a break.
I want to see Charmaine.
Thats all.

Char char ^^

2008-11-28T23:06:00.002+08:00

Talking to the person i like right now
Should i tell her that i like her?
She's like so pissed because of what happened at work today.
So funny , so cute , agitated.
Its so her la.

Kinda scary though LOLOLOL.
But its alright.
That's her personality.

AHHH i dint tell her.
BUT I ASKED HER OUT.
I really wanted to tell her.
But than again i could not say so
I'm sorry.
Charmaine.
Dont angry le k? ^^

I'm going to do it. Soon.

2008-11-28T21:07:00.002+08:00

I dont believe in alot of things.
I dont believe in the shit you say.
I dont believe in what you do.
I dont believe what you try to show me.
I dont believe the things that's in front of me.
I only believe in what i see, do, commit myself to.
And accomplish what i can.

People tell me to just do it.
And i'll be proud.
My cousin told me this.
If you're going to risk it all.
Lose it all, Give it all.
Than at the same time try to have it all.
I mean if its the last thing you're going to do in life?
Make it memorable and yourself happy right?

Probably its not the last thing I'm gonna do in life.
But its something that means alot to me.
Am i going to risk and lose it?
Or going to go the hard way and find out?
Proud of what? I'm not proud.
I prefer to keep quiet.
Its a personal boundary.
A personal push on in life.
Move faster.
Think faster.
React faster.
Accomplish what you need to do.
And go on.
If its not you. I dont know who already.
But its something i want to find out.
Its something i wanna know.
Its something i want you to know.
That i like you and i'm not afraid to let you know.
But its because i care. But does hiding or fear of rejection going to stop me?
Maybe? I wont allow it.
I just need a chance.
1 chance.But i'm always not given any.
Would you give me that chance that no one else would?
Or is it a waste of time? For someone like me
But love has no boundaries. No restrictions.
No gender No age Its not allocated.
Its found inside. We do it because we want to.
I don't wish to force you.
But i just want to let you know i think i love you.

Today i stoned at home the whole day.
Today i went cycling.
Today i pushed myself to a higher level.
I'm happy.
But i'm not satisified enough
There's more to this aint there.
Lets find out my true potential and unleash it.
For real.
Forever and let everyone know.
I can do it.
Not to show off.
But to be able to help those who need help.

I HATE WORKING ON THRUSDAYS AND FRIDAYS.

2008-11-27T20:20:00.002+08:00

Today i ended working at 530
New record going home so late while being so experienced.
What to do got something new and some stupid new recipe
Hiaz. Walked around Orchard.
Nothing to see.

Came home.
Stoning reading a comic about "love"
GG to stone.
Laterz.

God is everything predestined?
If it is what is my destiny.
If you know what i'm going to do.
What i'm going to say.
Whats going to happen.
Why are you still "letting us decide"

This body is a vessel.
Without the brain its useless.
We're like souls imputted into these vessels.
And used.
This world is getting corrupted.
And i'm getting impatient.
What should i do.
I'm just stuck.
And lost.
Tired and depressed.

wednesday. Confused, upset, Tired. and lost.

2008-11-26T18:48:00.002+08:00

if u cant get it means its not yours la
If you cant forget.
Learn to forget.
If you're in pain.
Forget the pain.
If you're getting scolded or depressed?
Forget the past and just pretend and just live each day?
Forget.. And forget..
I dont wanna forget already.

I want to remember.
Why cant i remember anything happy or anything.
Why cant i remember.
Depression. Emotional. -.-
Just let time pass.
Follow the wind.
Follow nature.
And maybe down the road. Find someone.
Anyone.
Or maybe no one.
Whats love again i ask.
I really dont know.
I believed. I tried. I did it.
But it was not what i thought it was.
Lies. Promises broken ?
My choice? Never mind.
I dont have a choice.

life sucks.,

bored

2008-11-25T21:10:00.003+08:00

Today was stupid la
I woke up on time. <3
Anyways. Work was supposed to end on time.
But stayed back to help some people.
Cas gay boy wanted to help.
I stay help also lo.

Than wan go that time.
Chef say wan rowcall.
Sian den kana delay.
Than talk about all the shit about thanksgiving and etc.
Hiaz. festive season coming le.
And i'll be spending it alone
As usual. LOL
Anyways he wants me to be more productive and etc -.-

Wadeva Than after finally left got a drink with gay boii.
Than went back home.
I dont know la today just dam screwy la.
Cant get anything in my mind straight.
Dont know what i thinking or anything also
Hiaz.

Sianzations

Happy ? sad? excited? Or just letting go

2008-11-24T19:47:00.002+08:00

I'm like on the verge of giving up.
I'm trying but she's not giving me a chance
Or is there really no fate?
Or are those just excuses.
Everytime i just think about everything.
I just wanna just sit down and just stone.
And just blank myself out.

My phone is fixed i lost alot of numbers.
But i dont really care.
Who cares? really.
Nobody gives a shit about whether i exists or not.
Seriously i bet few even read my blog now.
But it does not matter does it
Who cares again?
I do ? Maybe abit.
Hahas. Work is really enjoyable.
If you do it properly.
And you work with the right people.
I'm starting to doubt all other possibilities
And i'm starting to rely on myself.
Maybe i have been.
But now
Its all on my self.
Me myself and I.

Looking back at those days?
I dont remember anything already.
I'm probably to depressed.
But than again seriously?
I want to love someone.
Whoever it is does not matter.
As long as not ugly or fucked up.
But it depends on one self.
Than again it depends on me.
What am i going to do?

hiaz. Decisions are so hard to make.
I'm about to go crazy...

Sunday. Over and out.

2008-11-23T19:52:00.002+08:00

They say you cant cure a "broken heart" with medicine.
But what is it really? Is it really a broken heart?
Or just a mental breakdown?
I'm going crazy -.- I miss her so much i dont even know why.
I want to tell her but than..
I wonder how's she doing now.
But i dont message or even call her.
I know she probably wont reply me anyways.

Gay boy said if a girl is interested in you.
She'll reply ur messages.
But she does not even reply mine.
Hiaz. The words that were used are like mind games.
But than again it could be straight to the point.
She probably likes someone else.
I'm not a subsitute.
Neither am i a great guy.
I just want to help those who are in need of help.

Talked to my "boss" today.
He asked me about what i wanna be.
I said a psychologist.
He termed a psychologist as a doctor.
Hey i'm gonna be called a Doctor if i really achieve my goal?
Cool? LOL =x

Working the whole of next week. cept friday.
Somehow it feels as though i've said this already.
But i dont remember.
I'm just broken.
Inside.

I wanna call you.
I wanna tell you.
I wanna let you know.
I wanna be there.
I want to see you smile.

Wc3 down! omg boring -.-

2008-11-22T21:19:00.003+08:00

Sorrie leslie my WC3 GOT PROBLEM
wtf man -.-
Anyways lets not crap
Today supposed to go out with someone but than again..
Hiaz cant make it.Never mind ba.
Hiazzzz.

Today wake up early. Cant dota cant do anything.
I go maple lo -.- o.0 =x
HIAZ (again).
Dont know how i passed my day.
Anyways i tried cycling.
Cant do it la.
Exhausted within like 3 mins -.-
Turn back to head home.

Early evening i went down to slack.
Japanese kids are so funny.
They cant speak english.
I helped them pick up their shuttlecock from the fence.
They said VERY VERY thank you.
Lols =x VERY VERY welcome. x]
At least mine make sense . lawls.
Went for a 3-5 mins swim?
Cut my hair AGAIN. -.-
Hiaz. money fly away so easily sia.

Than again. Tomorrow i'm working.
I dont know how i passed today.
But than again i'm glad i dint meet up with _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _.
Cas i'm sick =/
Hahas she said she does not read my blog liao. Should i trust her?
Should i even say this .
LOL if she reads this she'll definately know everything.
But.. I've nothing to hide right?
Probably just everything to lose.

Flu again.

2008-11-21T17:40:00.002+08:00

Managed to wake up on time.
Fortunately.
Sheesh i slept with air con. >< =x
Okays that bad.
Today work got flu -.-
So horrible T_T
Today ended work at like err 4+?!
Sheesh i tot by 330 can end.
Than alot of nonsense happened.
Than the oysters were rejected etc.
Fridays are the worse days to work. -.-
Saturdays too.

Heng i not working tomorrow .
Its gonna be hell.
Leslie borrowed money from me again.
Hiaz. -.-
I should become loan shark better can charge high interest ^^
Lols.

I'm still thinking.
I'm still waiting.
For you to make a decision.
And allow me into your life.

Closer to my answer.

2008-11-20T21:24:00.002+08:00

Today this morning woke up at 7+
What the sheet.
Never mind i just started gaming.
Okay play till about 11+ OMG ITS STILL MORNING?
Zzz time passes so slowly! WHY SIA -.-

Go online talk to some people.
Hahas.. I really wanna know.
I really wanna know but i wont allow it.
Than again. I put the pressure upon her.
Suah forget it never mind.
I'm sorry.

Than i wasted my afternoon away.
Ate KFC for lunch.
Met my god sis.
Travelled all the way to pasir ris. E hub.
There nothing de.
But oh wells. For "her sake"
Watched madagascar 2.
It was hillarious la.
Hahas lame. And retarded just the way i like it.
Ate BURGER KING FOR DINNER.
So lame la. -.-

Think i'm forgetting to post some things but oh wells~

Audio equ = 200dollars!?

2008-11-19T22:08:00.002+08:00

Today I had quite an exciting morning.
Wont say why.
Just feel that someone is trying to be hard to get.
But none the less its not getting my hopes high.
Neither am i feeling the lowest.

Went out with my sister.
Rather say i brought her out.
Dhoby. Ate burger king.
Whopper burger with more pickles and onions please.
The person was like.
NO PICKLES AND ONIONS?
Than i said. MORE.
She give me that huh look.
And said okay so whopper burger meal no up size with more pickles and onions.
Yes thats right.
Nvm lols.
Got my sister some lame meal. I dont know i dont really fancy fast food.
Unhealthy and "quite costly"
LOL =x

Anyways. Wanted to watch movie.
But than my stupid sister dont want.
Seriously?
I think i go out on my own better.
Than i can just stone.
-.- Annoying sia. Now i know why i rather be alone.
Nvm we went to walk walk.
Watched "walle" and went to buy some audio components =x
200 DOLLARS TOTAL SPENT TODAY.
Sheesh ><
Than go home.
It started to rain heavily.
Hiaz. I gave my sister my jacket to cover off the rain.
So nice of me right? LOL =X
Oh and my sister robbed me my money at starbucks.
And she said her latte tasted aweful
Dont know her stupid drink cost how much den still wanna complain.
Hiaz. -.- kids.

Came home.
Installed my audio stuff.
Not bad la. But still sounds abit normal
But can tell its better. x]
Wells its price speaks alot right? =/

Debated about "love" online today with someone older than me.
So fun la!
I won x] and i made her say true or not.
but she said.
I say true and not true. Oh wells.
It was quite annoying listening to her say things i dint say.
But than again
I used her points against her and than countered with my own x]
Debates are so fun.
But i definately need to improve my english!
Can quite spell some words right and etc.
Pudge wars and Dota win both games.
Hmm maple still down i wanna see the new job.
Actually i havent tried. Will go try now.

Tomorrow thursday my 2nd off day.
What should i do.
Hiaz. Supposed to meet my godsis.
Probably forget ^^ lols.

2 days away.

2008-11-18T17:45:00.002+08:00

Today i managed to finish work on time.
Yay today and tomorrow off.
But than again what am i going to do?
Just looking through somethings.
Hmmm people seem to have alot of things to hide.
And here i'm being stuck in my own thoughts did i do the right thing?
I wanna just confess but than again i know that she does not have a spot for me in her heart.
I think.
Most probably the possibilities are like so dam low.
But than again. Its her decision to think
At least the most we can be closer friends?
I dont know hiaz.
But do i really "love" her?

I mean i just keep thinking about her thats all right?

Anyways today i went to Hereen to slack
Sian no one to see or talk to.
Decided not to eat.
Nothing much to eat anyways.
And the thought of spending money turns me off seriously
LOL.
Went to cine bought kfc and came home.

Now having alot of flashbacks
Annoying -.-

Tiring day. And another day ahead comes.

2008-11-17T20:46:00.002+08:00

Realised i dint post today.
Hahahs.. Never mind at least i'm posting now.
Work was fine.
Managed to do rush and complete everything and get everything done.
Hehs.
Tml occupancy rate also going to be high.
I must get myself prepared.

Deep inside of me feels stupid.
Deep inside of me dont know what i should do.
Deep inside of me aint feeling the way i'm supposed to.
I'm distracted.
I cant seem to concentrate on anything.
I'm feeding myself with lies, again.
But its okay for now. I hope.
I just wanna pull through this moment.

Dota today. Lose all games.
Maple today win all games.
Sleepy. Everyone's giving me their support.
Why... I'm not desperate.
I'm just lonely.
I'm not crazy.
I'm "depressed" i hope.

Its still early. But i'm gonna sleep

What should i DO?

2008-11-16T22:51:00.002+08:00

To confess or not to confess
Talked to charmaine today.
She said this . Just be friends.
For now? Or till the end of time?
I really dont know.
But than again it was kinda funny conversation.

Thinking about her now.
What should i really do.
I dont want to let her slip away.
But i dont want to hold her to myself.
There are so many guys out there.
Like so many other girls.
Why must i stick to her.
Or why should she choose me?
Afterall i'm going to NS soon.

Kinda sucks no matter how i think about it.
Depressed again.
But it does not really hurt.
Cas i know what are the only 3 "options"
There were always these 3 options but i just wanna say.
1 just confess.
2 just hang on.
3 just give up

Well i've tried 3 . But than again i still could not control my feelings.
I'm hanging on.
And i've almost confessed but i stopped because i found it stupid.
But love is blind and stupid at times right?

Than i thought. If i get her.
She needs to study.
She goes to school and see so many other guys.
Would that really be good for her?
How much will she love me?
How much can she tolerate and hold?
How much can i do and sacrifice and devote myself.
I need to get myself straight and right.

What should i do..
I really dont know.
Hiaz stupid me.

Sunday

2008-11-16T18:11:00.002+08:00

Today work was fine.
Managed to hold out and hold in.
Talked to Clarence about my job.
Apparently people jump the one i'm doing every 3 weeks lol.
People cant ususally tolerate it.
Being pressed ><

Guess i'm cool under pressure.
Lol..
Watching this "love anime" now
Hmmm kinda cool.
But than again if only it could be like this right?
Hahaha.. I wish there was someone who could be there by me
With me. Physcially too.
Moral and psychological support.
But oh wells its only an anime.
Lets not "fantasise" about what that can happen or hopefully can happen.
Hiaz. Abit depressed . My phone spoilt.
Is this just a dream?
Or is this my personal nightmare.
I dont know. I really want and need to find out.

Should i cut my hair? -.-

What are you thinking?
What do you think?
How do you feel.
_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _
Hiaz i just want to get myself straighted out and right.

Do i really "LOVE" you?

2 days and counting =x naw!

2008-11-16T02:47:00.003+08:00

2 days ago that night i cycled to pasir ris chalet.
Aloha Loyang. ~
Hmm that place not bad x]
1st time I've been there.
Oh and while cycling there i accidentally used the wrong route -.-
Zzzz i accidentally used the highway -.-
WHICH I AM NOT SUPPOSED AND ALLOWED TO.
Fortunately i dint get caught or anything. =x

Nothing much to say at the chalet.
Just that it was quite boring =x
But still we managed to have some fun x]

Woke up the next day and had to work -.-
Hiaz. Cycled to Eunos -.-
And had to fix some stuff.
Got really dirty -.-
Oh wells as long as i get paid right? x]
And while working the metal foundation gave way -.-
Fortunately i managed to hold it off before it fell on my boss
Or else she might be in hospital now -.-

And cycled home -.- in the midst afternoon.
Hot and tiring -.-
Reached home my brother hogging the computer.
Decided to sleep
Sleep wake up at around 8+
He still hogging the computer.
Forget it lo
Slept my only off day away.
Wake up now to blog lol.
Hmm i think I'm forgetting to say alot of things.
But oh wells =/
Till another time.

2008-11-14T17:47:00.003+08:00

Deep inside.
I'm crying.
Hard. It hurts. It really does.
Its like i dont mean anything to her at all.
And i know i dont and i probably wont.
Sighs. I'm just so friggin sad right now i dont even know why am i blogging this.
Feel like just typing her name out and just hopes she knows that i'm talking about her.
And thinking about her.
And just everything is about her.
But deep inside i just wish time passes by faster.

Maybe we're just meant to be dreams.
And nothing more.

*look at me.
Stare at me.
Look into these eyes.
They dont lie.
Would i lie?
Have i lied.
Why would I or should I ever lie to you.
I just miss and think about you all the time.
Dontcha know how much it hurts to know you dont care?
Or you just leave me out or behind?
I really wish i dont have any feelings for you.
So i wont be hurting so much inside now.

A day to remember. A(2) lesson learnt.

2008-11-14T17:16:00.005+08:00

Lol I'm so friggin lazy.
I woke up on time
But fell asleep again.
Oh wells cant really be bothered. Caught the 2nd bus.
Reached work at 648.
Heya I'm still on time ya.
I hurriedly dressed and clocked in -.-
658. LAWLS. In time sia -.-
Than i "secretly" go eat.
Suay sia meet until gay boii =x
hahas but he still said go and eat.
So nice of him. =x As usual xDD

Work today was dam "rush"
Today got EVENT AT LIKE 8AM.
WTF?I reach work than i know de.
Yesterday i dint even get ready or prepare la.
Shit all last minute.
Rush like hell and somemore the midnight person sent out the wrong Dimsums.
So shit la -.- I ran out of almost everything.
Fortunately i had sufficient to last till breakfast over -.-
Afternoon i chionged my *mezza items

Mezza - buffet.

Wash the oysters, clams, do the fruits cheese, Dimsums.
Prepare for the idiot working tomorrow. Giving him all the info.
Oh and the new stupid F&B manager freaking cock up my mezza.
Change here change there.
Waste my time sia.

Today gay boii kana High current electric shock sia.
The whole kitchen tripped.
And he was semi paralysed for a few moments
Omg but he's still such a great guy.
Zzzz don't know what to do w/o him.
Still so responsible for the food he was preparing and me.
Sheesh. This word has so few good people like him.
He show me his girlfriend picture sia! OMG =X
So suai and pretty.
Zzzz -.- Hiaz. next time i must show him mine.
If that ever happens. LOL.

Managed to finish by 3.40pm today.
EVERYTHING DONE AND COMPLETED.
Now i'm home.
Thinking about whether my "date" will still be on or not =/
Saddening.. She seems rather depressed.
Should i call her? Don't know what to say also.
Hiaz. I'm such a stupid guy -.-

To nukun.
Heya i'm not angry with you anymores.
Just abit sian.
At least i visited my grands.
Sighs.

Life comes. Life goes.
Treasure life.
Today life showed me 2 things.
It can be gone in an instant when you don't look for a moment.
It'll be gone. Every second passing now.
Everything that has been done, is done.
There's no turning back.
No going back.
Nothing can change what has happened.
But what you do can change what that's going to happen.
treasure what you have.
If you've nothing to treasure.
Be happy with what you have?
But if you've nothing.
Live your life.
Make it "worth" living.
And protect those dear to you.

Unlucky? Or fated -.-

2008-11-13T20:20:00.004+08:00

Today was a boring.
Supremely STUPID AND F -ed UP DAY.

1st of all
OF COURSE ITS WORK!.
Today got function.
Than work like siao.
2ndly
I could not get off early to deliver lunch to someone.
Okay never mind i msged her.
3rdly
I HAD TO STAY BACK TO PACK THE STUPID FRIDGE.
last minute.
4th of all
I was RESPONSIBLE ENOUGH TO MY WORDS
To leave work and deliver lunch.By searching for my boss and begging him to let me go
5thly.
I cycled all the way to my grands only to get nagged at her for being reckless and sweaty.
(i go visit her lei!)
6th
I got "ditched".For the 2nd time.
Okay and i'm not supposed to be pissed .
7th
I almost kana knock down by car

I'm probably abit agitated.
Sheesh all the trouble i take just to keep my "promises"
And yet people always take me so easily.
Forget it is it really meant to be?
Maybe next time. I wont even bother.
Waste my Time. Effort. Money.

Dammit i'm still feeling relatively pissed la.
Gtg chill.. Laters.

But when i really think about it?
I've gotten by this day.
And thats all that really matters right?
Hopefully.

Oh and 1 more thing . Someone dint reply my message(s). SOBS.

Cant get my mind of her. *charmaine.

2008-11-12T18:54:00.001+08:00

Zzzz dont know why i keep thinking about her.
-.-
Let my mind rest lei. Why you keep distrubing me.
Ahh den sommore dont wan reply my messages.
Make me think about you more.
Wah lau ><
Why must i have you in my head.
Get out LOL . =x

But than again.
Please dont leave my "side"
I want to feel as if someone is here.
Here with me.
Than again I'M BEING RETARDED WITH MY IMAGINATIONS.
Zzzz why must i always imagine things so realistically. -.-
Visions illusions dreams.
Zzzz irritating.
But sometimes its really nice.
If you were just my dream girl i'd sleep for ever.
But now you're realistic.
And infront of me.
I'm not going to be stupid and let go now will I?
x]
Ahh i cant wait.
I just cant wait.

A wish

2008-11-12T16:21:00.002+08:00

If i had a wish.
I wish everyone would be happy.
I think?
If i had a personally wish.
I wish to be loved . =x
Hahas.

Actually its kinda weird when i think about it.
Its because my birthdays coming that's why =x LOLS x]
But than again.
She wont be able to celebrate it with me.
Oh wells. Never mind I'll just make a wish.
Just a quiet wish

Today at work was fun.
I was like EH NOTHING TO DO LEI.
Den gay boii was like
okay
you do this
Than you do that.
But in the afternoon OMG HAVOCK SIA.
But oh wells. i pulled it off.
Thanks to gay boii who backed me up with my fruits. x]

Looking forward to the weeks to come.
And I've a few things i need to do.
Sianzations.
hiaz. Time flys.
But yet passes so slowly
Why cant i just seem to get hold of the second that's passing right now.

Guess time waits for no one.
But hey. If love needs me to wait.
I'll give it all my time.

A date

2008-11-11T21:38:00.002+08:00

I've asked alot of people out.
Hmmmm Okay la.
I've someone in my mind actually.
But i dont know what to do.
I'm so crazy i dont know what i'm thinking.
I dont even know what to do.
Shit man so what should i really do?
Hiaz.
Where to go.
Singapore so small.
Esplande, Cine, Dhoby?
Dont want the standard places lei.
I wanna be "unique" i mean hey come on man.
Its a "date" LEI.
Cant get my thoughts straight

Thought about Vivo. Hmm
Dint really think of that x]
But than again. What if she gets bored or something.
I dont know i just hope that we have a good time.
Its quite far away.
But yet i'm getting psyched up already.
What should i do.
I dont wish for nature to take its course?

May god guide me and lead to along the correct path.
I'm gonna sleep soon working tml as well.
Again.
But i'd probably be mesmerised by her. LOL.

Depression makes me really sleepy.
Thoughts of her make me happy.
Working gives me MONEY! lawls.

Alot of people quit NYDC le sia.
Hiaz so sad la.
Like i quit all follow quit.
But i know its not because of me lol.
Anyways its the system there la.
I know because i've already said so and told them
Only the took longer to realise.
At least they did.
I can see behind the lines.
Can you all see them too?
BUT I CANT SEE LOVE OR PEOPLES LOVE FEELINGS.
Darn i wish i could.
But than again sometimes its better not to know...

Eventually it all comes to an end. Happiness relms.

2008-11-11T19:34:00.001+08:00

After a tiring day before i slept early at around 930.
Wells i woke up as usual at 530.
So happy to see vic's and lynn's encouraging messages.
Anyways those made my day at least for the morning.

Today at work i finish on time again .
Wahahah work is getting too easy.
I hope i can keep this up really.
I love gay boii la he's so nice x]
Funky and wacko, Funny as well.
Today i spammed my messages to alot of my friends.
Oh wells i got very favourable replies.
So i'm very happy today LOLS.
Yes i'm happy.
For once in a very long time.
I'm happy..

Impatient regrets.

2008-11-10T21:18:00.002+08:00

Why am so impatient.
Why am i so foolish and sad now.
I dont know why am i feeling sooo depressed.
Maybe i always was.
Maybe i always will be.
But hopefully not.

Why do i always regret after making a decision.
Why dont i think straight.
But than again.
Maybe this is for the better in the long run.
Everyone has dreams but they dont have to accumplish them
Though they want to.
Still looking at her picture.

Why do i have to torment myself.
Faking happiness and bluffing myself.
Lies after lies.

*Do you ever think when you're all alone.
All that we could be.*

I no mood play game.
No mood do anything i'm turning in early.
NITES.

Letting go of the dream. Would i ever want to get it back?

2008-11-10T16:57:00.002+08:00

I used to believe in love.
I used to believe that love can make everything seem right.
I believe that no matter what if i give everything i have.
And put in all my effort into the relationship i would have happy outcomes.

Naw. Its alright i know where to let go.

Today was a good day at work.
I finished all my work b4 lunch. Everything's done.
So happy.
I messaged someone today. I don't really care if she reads or don't read my blog anymore.
I don't care if she knows or don't know or anything now.
But she was the one who i thought i loved.
Maybe it was just my imagination?
Or maybe she's just supposed to be my dream lover.

Its alright deep inside i felt like crying.
But than again.
I feel so emotionless.
Yea its alright it does not matter at all does it?
Inside I've decided to give in and up without trying.
Because i don't any point or use in trying or doing so.
Its just me.
Love is not something I'll receive.
Its something i can only give.

Because i don't want to live in lies.
I don't wish to deceive anyone and myself.
Lets just face the facts.
But whats the fact if i dint ask her yet.
Either way there's no point really.
This way i wont hurt anyone or get hurt either.
Sometimes the best thing to do.

Is to let go.